


Those Obnoxious Relatives

by Tritan



Category: Ranma 1/2, うる星やつら | Urusei Yatsura
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-02-20 10:12:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13144491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tritan/pseuds/Tritan
Summary: First Contact has been made, and with the reveal of the Oni to the world, Akane Tendo is about to learn a few startling facts about her heritage.





	1. A Shocking Reveal!

**Author's Note:**

> This story is not entirely written by me.
> 
> It's posted up on the "Unending BE Addventure" Which, if you haven't heard of it, is a online Round Robin site, where people can post story snippets and other people can write continuations of them. This particular "Addventure" is on a fetish fiction site. However, this particular story and thread has no adult content whatsoever.
> 
> As such, around half the bits of the story are written by another, Lumitiel. He wrote the first half of the first chapter after I thought up the concept. I have his permission to post the parts he wrote. Here is a link to his blog, which contains his Addventure posts: http://lumitiel.blogspot.com/

It was the first day of summer vacation, so for the Tendo and Saotome families that could mean only one thing: Beach time! The weather was glorious, the sun high in the clear blue sky. The clouds must have also taken a break, so why not follow their lead and head somewhere you can properly enjoy it?  
  
"Ah, this is nice!" Nabiki said, stretching out as she tugged off her shirt. She was already wearing her swimsuit underneath, a dark purple one piece which she showed off with a twirl and a smirk. "Had to go on a diet to make sure I fit properly."  
  
"Huh, really?" Ranma asked. In girl form, because for someone with a Jusenkyo curse the act of staying in regular non-cursed form was as futile a task as trying to teach Genma Saotome manners. "Wow, you girls really gotta give it your all don't you?"  
  
This earned him three sets of annoyed stares, because Ranma was standing there wearing a bright blue one piece with the word "boy" across her chest. A trio of boys strolled by and not a one of them had eyes for Nabiki when there was a cute and busty redhead right there to stare at.  
  
"Hey Ranma! Want to let me bury you in the sand?" Nabiki asked, wielding a bucket and shovel in the most menacing manner one can wield such tiny toys.  
  
"Nabiki!" Akane warned. "Just because Ranma is an insensitive ass doesn't mean you can torment him."  
  
"Yeah!" Ranma nodded. "That's her job."  
  
A sharp elbow to the gut, and Akane was off. Ugh, honestly! Can't he just cut it with the insensitive comments and the snark? For a day. That might be nice. Oh well! On the plus side there was no sign of -  
  
"Hotcha!"  
  
... Guh! Really? Akane rubbed her temple in dismay and beheld the sight of Happosai tormenting some poor girl in a tiger print -  
  
"Pervert!" Zap. Akane finished the thought: Bikini. "I may not know a lot about earth customs, but I at least know that is highly inappropriate!"  
  
The girl turned around and her green hair played off the sunlight. After a moment she caught sight of Akane, smiled, and floated over - yes, floated over to her, over the sand waving cheerfully at her. Those were fangs. Huh! Relative of Ryoga maybe? They didn't look lost...  
  
"Hi there!" the girl said. "I'm a little lost, could you help me out?"  
  
Appearances could be deceiving. But no, surely not. This girl couldn't possibly be related to -  
  
"I'm looking to get to a place called the Tendo dojo, in a place called Furinkan. Do you know where it is?"  
  
"Uh..." Akane quirked an eyebrow. "May I ask why you want to go there?"  
  
"Oh, well... I'm visiting relatives."  
  
Ladies and gentlemen, it may prove prudent to remind you all at this time that the time honoured favourite activity of all who live and dwell within the Furinkan area is "grabbing the wrong end of the stick." If it were possible for this to be an Olympic event, Furinkan would bring home the gold in perpetuity. It was a reflexive habit at this point. Compounding matters further is that by this time Akane has managed to do this so often thanks to Ranma's... Quirky behaviour and quirkier friends that her thought process went like this:  
  
"So, that makes it sound like we're her relatives because she's trying to get to our place... But then again, I have made leaps to conclusions that weren't true quite often of late. Like that time Ranma stumbled into my room shirtless and with his bare chest glistening with oil. Or the time it sounded like Ryoga was trying to tell me he loved me, when he was actually really really hungry for some pork. Hm... I wonder what Kasumi brought for lunch. Probably sandwiches... I could have at least helped her make sandwiches, I don't mess those up! In fact I've been dying to try a combination rice cake and hot pepper sandwich, with a sprinkling of cinnamon...  
  
"Oh right! This strange floating girl was wanting to visit the dojo! I bet she's looking for Ryoga. He hangs out more at our place than he does at his own, so that must be it!"  
  
Aloud, she said "You had better come with us. My name is Akane, what's yours?"  
  
"I'm Lum!" the girl said, flashing a big toothy grin. It would be beautiful if it didn't also look like she could bite your fool head off in a single go. "Ah, between you and me, I'm not actually human."  
  
Akane looked at the horns on her head, then at the distance between feet and ground.  
  
"You don't say..." she muttered, nonplussed. She'd seen weirder by now. At least this Lum was nice.  
  
"I'm an Oni!" the girl continued. "Ah, and... Don't tell anyone, but we're planning to invade next week. I snuck off because I wanted to meet my cousins and uncle before we took over."  
  
"Oh!" Akane's face fell. "That's... That's really nice."  
  
Oh crap! She'd just learned that an alien force was coming to take over the planet! She glanced over Lum's shoulder. Happosai was still lying there on the ground, his hands reaching up and twitching. Guh! And they could take out someone like him so easily! That old man was one of the two strongest fighters she'd ever seen!  
  
"S-Sooooft!" Happosai mumbled. Ah. His hands weren't twitching. They were groping. Which meant... "I must feel those again! Kukukuku!"  
  
**"Run!"** Akane yelled, grabbing hold of Lum's hand and pulling her off down the beach while Happosai rose like the demon he truly was. She didn't look back. She didn't dare. She could feel his battle aura, and even that was making her want to stop in place. A single glance and the sheer mortal terror would grip her soul for the rest of the day.  
  
"There's no escape!" Happosai's voice echoed across the beach.  
  
Funny thing about Akane. Telling her she can't do something is the most assured way to make her attempt it. Trouble is that, well, have you tried to run quickly through sand? It doesn't go well. Your feet keep on sinking in, the ground's not that even, you have real trouble judging how much force you need to put in at any given step to maximise efficiency and - Oh, would you look at that, she was flying!  
  
"Ooh, that old man is really scary," Lum observed, carrying Akane underarm as she flew upwards. "Also... Tcha, maybe consider losing weight?"  
  
"It's muscle! Not fat!" Akane yelled upwards. "Muscle is heavier than fat!"  
  
Lum shot her a look as if to say 'Yeah, sure.' But if she was about to make a comment it was interrupted by a loud "Hotcha!" and a small bundle of perversion leaping for Lum's chest. Akane's face went pale. She could see electricity arcing around Lum's body - while she was holding onto Akane! She had to think quickly. She had to think fast! Unfortunately the only tactic she had seen which ever worked against the old man was -  
  
"Hey, isn't that Ranma rubbing suntan lotion on his girl form's chest?"  
  
And the old man was gone. Sorry Ranma. She internally promised to make it up for him later on. Maybe a foot rub, or... Oh! Cupcakes! Yes, she could always treat him for putting up with that old pervert so much.  
  
"Sorry about him," Akane sighed. Lum set her down on a nearby wall, and Akane set herself into a seated position staring out at the sea. "He's a real troublemaker. Nobody can control him. I doubt he can even control himself. Lousy stinking pervert..."  
  
  
"That's alright," Lum said, setting herself down next to Akane. "I don't mind perverts if they're at least cute."  
  
Oh, so this alien was one of _those_ kind of girls was she? Akane sighed again. Poor Ryoga, having to deal with an alien like this for a relative. She really did feel sorry for that poor boy. Life kept on kicking him, it seemed.  
  
Of course, she was still holding onto that stick by its wrong end like a championship contender. It absolutely refused to penetrate her skull that this girl was, in point of fact, her cousin on her mother's side.

* * *

There was something to be said for enjoying a picnic lunch. Refreshing drinks and chilled food, all served on a blanket surrounded by sand and surf!  
  
**WHAM!** “Go drown you old freak!” Ranma finally managed to successfully boot the ancient and terrible evil into the ocean, where hopefully that octopus that was in love with him would find him again and keep the ancient evil pervert busy for a couple days at least.  
  
“Oh darn. If Grandfather isn’t here then we’ll have too much food.” Kasumi said.  
  
“That’s your concern?” Ranma asked, “No problem. I’ll just take the old freak’s share.”  
  
“Or you can not be a pig today.” Akane said, popping up behind her. Ranma turned around to stick her tongue out at her fiancee and maybe start a fun bickering session when she noticed the floating girl in the bikini next to Akane.  
  
“Oh wow, Earth food!” The girl said, she was floating, and had fangs… and horns. Huh.  
  
“Huh? Where’s dad and Mr. Saotome?” Akane asked, sitting down on the blanket and opening a can of soda.  
  
“Happosai dropped a ton of stolen swimsuits on them. They’re still running from the angry mob.” Nabiki opened on one of the lunchboxes provided. “Who’s the floating girl?”  
  
“Hi! I’m Lum!” She said, sitting down to the left Akane. Ranma sat down at Akane’s to the right. Glancing over at the weird floating girl… wow there was this almost mirror image. Cut her hair, dye it blue, and cover up the horns and the two would look almost identical! Well there the weird fangs and-  
  
“She’s Ryoga’s cousin or something.” Akane said.  
  
Oh that made sense. It **would** explain the fangs.  
  
“And the fangs? Horns?” Nabiki asked.  
  
“Now Nabiki, don’t make fun of cosplay.” Kasumi said.  
  
“..cosplay?” Lum said, “No way! They’re real. I’m an Oni.”  
  
“Wait, like that annoying thing that possessed Kasumi awhile back?” Ranma asked.  
  
“Oh no. Those things are actually called Ooounees. They just like to call themselves Oni when going to other planets to sound tough.” Lum said.  
  
“Other planets?” Kasumi asked.  
  
“Oh! Right… right.” She leaned forward, pulling the other three (and a half) girls around them. Her voice slipping to a conspiratorial tone. “You see, I’m an alien. My aunt married an earthling and had a family. I hear I can find them if I go to this “Tendo Dojo” place.”  
  
“Good idea heading there.” Ranma said, “Ryoga’s so lost he spends more time at our house then his own!”  
  
“So wait, are you trying to keep it a secret?” Nabiki said.  
  
Lum nodded, “Yeah until next week when there’s the big announcement!”  
  
Kasumi reached into the bag and pulled out a large straw hat, “Maybe keep this on until you find Ryoga OK?”  
  
“Oh good idea.” Lum took the har.  
  
“Wait, before you do how about some pictures?” Nabiki said, pulling a camera from… somewhere. “I’m a bit of a hobbiest.”  
  
"That hobby is bilking people out of money." Ranma flatly said. “Word of advice Lum, don’t let her get her claws into or else you’ll have all your money sucked out of you.”  
  
“Oh come on Ranma. She’s not that bad.” Akane huffed.  
  
"You're right. She's worse." Ranma said, and in response Akane reached across from Lum and gave that cheek a right strong tug! “Ow you little!” Ranma lashed out and pinched Akane’s cheek, and the two kind of collapsed on Lum’s lap, pulling each other’s faces into stupid expressions.  
  
“Oh wow, I had no idea Earth courtship was so interesting.” Lum said.  
  
“What!?” Both shot up, faces reddening. “B-but we’re both girls!” Akane tried to protest.  
  
“Hmm? But his outfit has “Boy” written on it?” Lum said, “Of course, I’ve never been to earth so I have no idea what sort of sexual dimorphism humans have.”  
  
Nabiki pointed to some guys on the beach who had started ogling once two hot girls looked like they were about to start a fight. “Those are human men.”  
  
“Ohh… not any different than Oni then.” Lum shrugged. “Actually there are a lot of species in the galaxy with this basic body type and gender distinction. Weird huh?”  
  
Ranma considered the things he'd seen. "Not especially..."  
  
“Plus Ranma is a boy.” Kasumi said, “He just turns into a girl when wet.”  
  
“Oh so you’re a Andryonite? Wow no wonder you’re not surprised about aliens!”  
  
“...no I’m human.” Ranma said, “It’s a long story, OK!”  
  


* * *

  
  
Eventually Nabiki managed to convince Lum to take some pictures. What followed was more like a model photoshoot than her usual voyeuristic candid shots.  
  
“Hey Lum, if you’re an alien that can fly I bet you have some cool powers right?” Nabiki held up the camera again. Man she was so going to earn a mint off the UFO club at Furinkan.  
  
“Of course!” Up into the air, “Watch this!” Lighting suddenly crackled beneath her fingers, and with a loud crack it was sent straight down into the ground! Unfortunately, Lum had been just a moment ago posing with Ranma and Akane, having dragged them into a shot.  
  
Which meant...  
  
“Oh dear.” Kasumi said, “Are you two OK?”  
  
Twitch, “Never better.” Ranma slurred out. Her pigtail was standing up straight and the rest of her hair looked like it was trying its best to rush out in different directions away from her scalp.  
  
“Ow… yeah. That hurt as much as I thought it would.” A few sparks flashed around Akane, her own hair frizzing out in a similar matter.  
  
“Oops! Sorry! I was just…” Lum looked apologetic floating down.  
  
“It’s OK, you got excited…” Akane jumped up, a little high considering she just got shocked but landed neatly. “We can take a little static right Ranma?”  
  
Ranma stood up with a bit more effort. "I'll have static pie for lunch Kasumi thanks."  
  
“I think that’s enough photos and showing off though.” Akane said, putting the hat over Lum’s horns. Just in time for a battered and beaten looking man, followed by a battered and beaten looking panda, came to the blanket. Trailing a bit behind them in a lovely two piece was lovely looking woman with a basket of desserts in one hand and a long wrapped up bundle in the other.  
  
“Hello father.” Kasumi said. “So did you settle things with those ladies?”  
  
_They finally got tired of beating us._ Genma’s sign said.  
  
“Oh, Ranma!” Nodoka strolled past the two men, completely ignoring their injuries. “Are you OK son? It looks like you got struck by lightning!”  
  
“Never better mom. Just a bit of static!” Ranma laughed off the twitching after effects.  
  
Introductions of the new visitor and her destination was made, “Ah yes. Ryoga, he’s a good rival to my son.” Nodoka commented. “Very important for a man to have a good rival.”  
  
Soun glanced over at Lum, something about her…  
  
“Daddy are you gawking at her?” Nabiki asked pointedly.  
  
“W-what no!” Soun said, “I just, something about her reminds me of-”  
  
“Wow is he really trying that sort of line?” Ranma asked.  
  
Akane and Kasumi were both giving Soun looks of Pure Disappointment now.  
  
“Akane is your dad really trying to hit on me!?” Lum’s eyes bulged out, “That’s gross!”  
  
“Mr. Tendo, I can understand you might be lonely but she’s too young for you.” Nodoka said.  
  
Desperate for some support, he turned to Genma.  
  
A bunch of kids were burying him into the sand. _Sorry Tendo, busy._  
  


* * *

  
  
At the edge of the water Akane stood. Every time the family went to the beach, she faced this trial.  
  
Today she would swim! Fists clenched in determination, she tied the hachimaki around her head, ignored Ranma trailing behind her with a life preserver, closed her eyes and jumped in!  
  
Cold! Cold! Why was the ocean so cold! She sunk down… down into the depths, but no, not this time! She swung her arms and legs wildly, and she felt herself rise up. Move forward, she was doing it! Akane was swimming! Breaking the surface, she let out her breath in a shout of triumph, taking another breath and swimming forward.  
  
Wow this was really easy now that she had gotten through it. Sure there was this weird pressure building up in the back of her head, a little buzz that was kind of reminding her of being shocked but that was probably normal.  
  
"Um... Akane!"  
  
"Ranma! I'm doing it! I'm swimming."  
  
"No, not exactly."  
  
“Ranma, do not take this moment from me! I’m doing it! After all these years and near death experiences and gallons of water swallowed I’m swimming!”  
  
“Akane please open your eyes!”  
  
With an annoyed groan she opened her eyes. She could… wait. She looked down. Below her was Ranma, swimming underneath her. She was a full meter above her. “...what… the…”  
  
That’s when the blinding headache came back with a fearsome vengeance. Her vision flashed black and whatever was holding her up vanished, in fact, Akane realized just as she hit the water she was about to pass out.  
  
“Akane!”  
  


* * *

  
  
The next thing Akane thought was _Is this what being hung over feels like?_ Because her head was pounding and she felt like it was going to explode. She silently resolved to never find out. No alcohol!  
  
“Akane…?” Her eyes opened, and she saw Ranma leaning over her. “You OK?”  
  
“Ranma…?” Akane groaned, sitting up, “Ugg… how long was I… ahgg..”  
  
“Oh I’m sorry Akane, you missed the rest of the beach trip.” Kasumi said. "But Ranma sat by your side the entire time."  
  
"Ah!" Ranma waved her arms around desperately. "Kasumi! I told you not to bring that up!"  
  
"No... You told me not to bring up that you put a sleeping bag next to her and - Oh dear. I'm not very good at keeping secrets..."  
  
Akane sat up, they were back in the hotel they were staying in. She was on her bed and…  
  
“Akane!” In a flash her dad was there, sobbing in relief, “You’re OK! Please promise me you’ll stop trying to swimmmmmmmmm!!”  
  
“D-dad!” Akane said, “I’m not going to give up on that because of… whatever that was.”  
  
“Whatever it was? You were floating and have been just making weird noises for hours!” Ranma said.  
  
Soun suddenly snapped up, “Wait, Akane was **floating?”**  
  
“Err, yeah. She was hovering a bit over the water before passing out…”  
  
Soun shook his head, “She said they wouldn’t… normally…”  
  
“Wouldn’t normally what dad?” Akane said, “Dad do you know what’s happening-”  
  
BAM! The door was kicked open, and standing in it, will in her bikini and hat, with a giant gun looking device, was Lum. “Is Akane awake!?”  
  
“Miss Lum we’re in the middle of a family situation and _what is that?”_ Soun’s eyes bugged out.  
  
“Oh this? It’s a Genetic Analyzer, hearing about Akane floating like that I went back to my saucer to get this.” Lum said.  
  
“...saucer?” Soun said.  
  
Akane groaned, her headache was coming back. Loud. Why was everybody being so loud. She clutched her head, two pulsing points of pure pain were on her head! “Will you all please be quiet for a minute!” Akane shouted, and the room became a lot brighter.  
  
Mostly from the explosion of electricity that came out of Akane’s body, hitting Ranma and Soun and causing them to hit the ground with a twitch.  
  
“Oh my.” Kasumi said, who had of course not been touched.  
  
Lum floated over the two twitching people, “Now then.” She held up the device, “Let’s see…” A beam of light shot out of the device, and a print-out came out of the back. “DNA scanned… yup! Like I thought!”  
  
Akane, still clutching her head groaned, “Thought what…?”  
  
Soun pulled himself up, “Miss… gggg you… please don’t tell…”  
  
“You’re Half-Oni! I guess me zapping you a bit triggered the latent traits of our species.” Lum reached into her blouse and pulled out a photo and pushed it into Akane’s face. Akane forgot about the pain.  
  
There were three women in the photo, two of them clearly Oni women like Lum. The third was so wrapped up in fire-fighting gear that Akane’s couldn’t place her species. The other was from the green hair and basic resemblance probably Lum’s mother. It was the third that made Akane’s jaw hang low. It was very clearly her own mother. Same blue hair, same gentle smile, except that there was a pair of Oni horns on her head and she was wearing what looked like a tiger-striped kimono-miniskirt combo.  
  
“That’s my aunt. Mom tells me she went to earth and married some guy before I was born. This is your mother, right Akane? We’re cousins!”  
  
“...wait. What the hell? I thought you said she was related to Ryoga?” Ranma said.  
  
Soun shot up, “Akane, dear, I know this is a shock, but there’s a very… oh. Oh shit. Lum, you’re an Oni?”  
  
“Yes…”  
  
Soun’s eyes widened, “So… that means that those fake scouting reports saying nothing worth doing on the planet your mother set up stopped getting sent?”  
  
“Wait those were fake? Here we thought your species just evolved around the time Auntie showed up!” Lum said.  
  
“How would that even work?” Ranma asked.  
  
Lum shrugged.  
  
“But if you’re here, doesn’t that mean that…”  
  
Lum beamed. “Oh yeah.” She clasped Akane’s hands. “Great news Akane!”  
  
“Err…” Akane found herself feeling like in the rush of the day she had forgotten something.  
  
“Next week we’re taking over this planet, and Dad said if I found his sister's family they could run it as a ‘Welcome back to the Family’ gift! You’re going to be Queen of the Earth by next week!”  
  
There was a heavy silence in the room that was eventually broken when Akane coughed, spoke up and then lay back in bed. "Ranma. I'm still concussed. Pull up a sleeping bag."  
  


* * *

  
_”And there you have it ladies and gentlemen! Ataru Moroboshi has saved the Earth, earned himself a beautiful alien bride in the process and irritated his girlfriend all in a single instant!”_  
  
The Tendo and Saotome Families had been glued to the TV the past week, watching the fate of the world in the hands of a complete moron. Then by sheer luck he had won at the last minute.  
  
“I’m glad Lum managed to find herself a boyfriend here on earth. He seems like a sweet boy. Very energetic and manly.” Nodoka said.  
  
“Well, your majesty.” Ranma said, “I’m sure you’re broken up by this.”  
  
Akane, who was still mostly bedridden because according to Lum it would be another few days before she could be stable, glared at Ranma. “Will you stop that! I didn’t want to be Queen of the Earth!” A few sparks passed through her fingers, and the bandage wrapped around her head barely covering the two points starting to stick out on the top of her head swelled up just a little more.  
  
“Wow that’s pretty much how I met your mother.” Soun said. "History repeats.”  
  
“Ah yes, I remember that.” Genma said in a reminiscent tone. “Her UFO crashed. She was a scouting party or something like that but had a run-in with the Master. He was drunk, and well one thing led to another…”  
  
“Ended up playing Tag with her.” Soun laughed, ”Caught her by the horns, she didn’t expect me to be able to jump that high I think.”  
  
“Ah the memories of our youth Tendo.” Genma said, and the two men laughed.  
  
Akane’s hands hit the table, ”Wait, you knew the entire time about this Mr. Saotome!?”  
  
“About your mom being a weird alien? Yeah. I mean, she didn’t exactly keep it a secret.” Genma shrugged.  
  
“Don’t call my mom weird!” Akane said, and an involuntary bolt of lightning hit him. Twitching, Genma fell over, knocking over a glass. The static made a big panda colored puffball.


	2. Ran-Dom Chance

_”The results are in, you are not the DNA Donor!”_  
  
**CLICK**  
  
_”You killed my mother!_  
  
“No Luna, I am your mother.  
  
**CLICK**  
  
_”To Serve Man will be right back.”_  
  
**CLICK**  
  
“There is nothing on!” The girl sitting on a futuristic looking couch shouted at a futuristic looking TV. Now, despite looking like a short and super cute girl with pink curly hair, a matching Bikini and silver boots, she was… well OK, she was a short and super cute girl. But she wasn’t a short and super cute **human** girl. At least, not totally. Her name was Ran, and she was bored.  
  
There was nothing on TV. She couldn’t leave the planet because her mother had decided that somehow some stray blorb slugs knocking down the garden fixtures had really been her fault. Stuck inside the house, unable to do anything but watch TV. She was desperate enough to actually flip to the news. The boring cliche little green alien with a suit and toupee on was now on the screen, reading the news with complete deadpan disinterest.  
  
“And in interplanetary politics news, the Oni Empire lost the first Tag Game some time, ancient law stating they will halt all attempts at conquest for the next fifty years. As the Oni Empire typically cut taxes on the poor and middle class and cleared loopholes abused by corporations and millionaires, many potential invadable worlds are disappointed.” The newsman said. “The planet, a popular vacation spot due to its rustic and wild nature, is called “Earth” in their local languages.”  
  
“Earth!?” Ran shot up, “They tried to take over Earth!?” How long had it been since she had heard that planets name. Every time something that vaguely sounded like it was said… well...her mother’s reaction was not good. “And they beat them?” How? Ran knew full well that humans couldn’t fly at all. Also they were so slow at basic things like energy blasts and super high leaps.  
  
“The tag player, Lum Invader-”  
  
Lum. Lum. _Lum. Lum. Lum. Lum. Lum. **LUM. LUM. LUM.**_ Ran’s eye twitched, hearing that name. How dare she! How dare she intrude upon her life again and again and again! Wait! If Lum had been the one to play against the Earth Humans… then she had a lost! A nasty grin formed on Ran’s face. Lum had to have been humiliated! Yes, she could picture it in her mind now. Lum, battered and beaten, her outfit torn and not even providing the barest of cover to her sexy body! Her trembling face as the humans surround her, ready to take what they want from her… Ran began to drool a little at the thought.  
  
“-is moving to the now Free Earth after being proposed to by her opponent, Ataru Moroboshi.”  
  
A metaphorical record scratch played in the soundtrack that was Ran’s life. Proposed? Wait, that couldn’t be right. Lum had stolen,like the _traitorous seductive demon that she was,_ her beloved Rei?  
  
“In the process breaking off her engagement to Mr. Rei. Who has been voted the ‘Hottest Guy in the Galaxy’ by a poll of single, married, dating, living, and dead women across multiple worlds.” A picture of Rei eating a whole pizza, the size of a small spaceship, was shown up in the corner.  
  
“How… dare she!” Ran shouted, “After betraying me for- for- betraying me by stealing **my** Rei! I was going to marry him! She dumps him for some… weirdo?” And what’s more, Lum was on Earth! Earth! Her happy childhood memories, before her mother took her away, before she learned true hell thanks to Lum! Oh how dare she do all those innocent and cute things that of course her mother blamed for her and beat her senseless for! “That’s her new love huh?” She examined the picture of Ataru Moroboshi. She would find him, she would use the power her mother’s blood granted her, the power to suck the youth and vitality straight out of him!  
  
“Let’s see Lum have an old man for a fiance!” Ran declared, laughing in imagined triumph.  
  
**WHAM** Then a lamp hit the side of her head.  
  
“Your laughing woke me up from my nap!” Her mother snapped.  
  
The living room was 90% soundproofed, so Ran was pretty sure it was actually the construction going on next door. But she knew better then to try and change her mother’s mind once she decided to blame her for something. So, flipping a switch and putting on the cutest smile possible, she turned to her mother. “Oh I’m so sorry Mother, I was just so happy to hear about Lum on the news!”  
  
“Oh? Lum’s on the news? What about?”  
  
“Oh she’s moving to a new planet, she lost a Oni Tag game…” Ran said, her smile growing wider, “It was Earth, Mother!”  
  
_Crack_ One could hear her mother’s sanity stretch. “Earth…? That… that horrid place? Why would a good girl like Lum want to go there?”  
  
“She’s marrying a human!”  
  
**”What!?”** Her mother shouted, “Oh dear I should call Mrs. Invader. Nothing good comes from marrying humans whatsoever…”  
  
“I came from marrying a human!” Ran protested.  
  
“Nothing good at all…” Her mother continued to mutter.  
  
“Well, Mother, what if I go down to Earth to make sure Lum’s OK!” Ran said.  
  
“What?! You want to go down there? To that horrible planet?”  
  
“If it’s so horrible Mother why did you only take me?” Ran asked innocently.  
  
**”You know why!”** Her mother shouted.  
  
Ran shook her head, “I’m old enough to take care of myself Mother. Pretty Please? Can I go to Earth? See the other half of my family and watch over Lum?”  
  
Ran’s mother tapped her foot, thinking, “Well… I suppose. You aren’t going to try any nasty tricks, are you?”  
  
“Of course not Mother.” Ran lied through her teeth, though knowing her Mother she’d be getting angry letters once news of an earthquake or hurricane reached her.  
  
“Well, you are old enough and I think you’ve learned your lesson about knocking down garden fixtures… very well. Just makes sure that your father is not allowed into your spaceship, at all.”  
  
Ran nodded, “Of course Mother!” As if she’d drag her father to this madwoman! No, she was going to see her good family! Finally, a parent who wasn’t horrifically abusive! “I’ll head off now! Bye Mother!” _See you in Hell!_  
  
“Bye Ran!” He mother waved.

* * *

  
  
Don't get him wrong. He wasn't doing this because he liked the tomboy or anything. He was just being nice for the sake of being nice. He wasn't _worried_ or anything about that tough chick. Nope! Not a little bit. She'd survive even if a hurricane scooped her up. This was his responsibility. That's all. As a martial artist and that girl's fiance (even if it was arranged!) it was something he had to do. It wasn't as if he felt all warm and fuzzy inside when he saw her asleep, and he sure didn't panic when her temperature rose! No sir, no how, no way!  
  
Which is why there was no reason other than pure responsibility that Ranma was heading out at eight o’clock at night to fulfil Akane’s sudden craving for some super-spicy foods. According the the “Medical Scanner” that Lum had left behind increased appetite to fuel the changes going on in her body was normal. Having long dormant organs and body parts suddenly become active and growing was taxing on the body, apparently. Even for a tough chick like her.  
  
Things were, surprisingly normal considering that just a day ago Earth had been saved from an alien invasion. But when one thinks about all the rest of the weird stuff going on every day it kind of makes sense. Aliens showing up one week is forgotten when they have to go bug the Tendos the next because the Ghost Cat is causing problems again. The strange becomes normal to the point where nobody realizes it's strange. Ranma’s biggest thoughts about the situation was that he was getting a lot of mileage out of teasing Akane over being Queen of the Earth.  
  
Of course, just because people acclimate to things doesn’t mean that in the moment oddities don’t attract attention. Like, say, a UFO appearing in the sky. People looking up and gasping, several declaring that the aliens had changed their minds and were invading! For Ranma, the UFO landed right in the middle of the park that he was cutting across to reach that one Mexican place he knew Akane liked.  
  
The front door to the UFO opened, light shining through the night. Everybody else had long since dashed away, leaving just Ranma to see the new alien come out.  
  
“You don’t look like an alien at all.” Ranma observed.  
  
The alien girl blinked. She really didn’t look any different than a human. She was about the height of his cursed form, with long curly pink hair. “Uh, hello!” She said, giving him a happy smile. “This is the Nerima Ward of Tokyo right?”  
  
“Yeah…” Ranma said.  
  
“Oh great!” she did a little fist pump. “Well, to answer your question, I’m actually half-human. I came here to visit family!”  
  
“Really?” Ranma asked, feeling a bit incredulous about that.  
  
“Oh Earth’s a popular vacation spot actually. Everybody just kept quiet about it.” The girl said, “Anyways, my name’s Ran! What’s yours?”  
  
“Ranma Saotome.”  
  
“Ran-ma! Hah! That’s funny.” Ran giggled. “Anyways, I, uh, don’t know exactly where to find my family. Do you think you could help me?” She reached into her blouse and pulled out an old photograph. “This is my older brother, he was around eight when this was taken. You recognize him?”  
  
“Lady, what are the odds I just happen to recognize a single random guy from a photo out of the tons of people in this tow-” Ranma said, but stopped upon seeing the picture. It was a picture of an unhappy looking eight year old boy, his head shaved, wearing a hakama. Ranma recognized that expression, that head, and that outfit. Especially with what he knew of some other family members.  
  
It was, without a doubt, a picture of an eight year old Tatewaki Kuno.

* * *

  
  
Akane hands were twitching. Tacos. She was craving hot, spicy, filling tacos. Her awakening Oni physiology apparently really loved capsaicin, and that Mexican place downtown run by that nice immigrant couple was the best place to get it. Without the extra food she started getting twitchy, and when she got twitchy she started accidentally shocking people. Nabiki and Kasumi were both staying far away from her, neither wanted the nearly two week long bedrest that gaining alien superpowers seemed to cost her.  
  
“I’m back!” She heard Ranma declare from downstairs. Thankfully, a short time later he knocked on her door, and without waiting entered with a delicious smelling bag in his hands.  
  
“Got the food.” Ranma said, holding up the bag. “Three extra hot super stuffed tacos, Your Majesty.”  
  
“I’ll ignore that for now.” Akane said, grabbing the bag from him. “Ah… this is exactly what I needed!” She chomped down on the first one, the twitchiness fading. Now she just had to deal with the itching under her bandaged head. “Thanks Ranma.” Akane said after swallowing the first bit, smiling at him.  
  
Ranma turned away, “It was nothing, you’re sick after all.”  
  
Honestly couldn’t he accept some thanks once in a while. Taking another bite of her taco Akane glanced outside. Where she promptly swallowed it without chewing. There was a pink face pressed up against her window!  
  
“You!” Ranma shouted.  
  
The window was pushed open, and the pink haired girl jumped in through the window. “Why the hell did you run away!” She shouted at Ranma. Her eyes suddenly looked redder and were those fangs in her mouth?  
  
“Because I’m not getting involved!” He said, “Deal with that on your own!”  
  
“How can I deal with it when you just looked at the picture and ran!?”  
  
  
“Ranma? Who is this girl?” Akane asked.  
  
“Some alien girl!” Ranma said. “She landed her UFO in front of me and asked for directions!”  
  
“Which you did not provide!” She said. “Very rude thing to do to a cute young lady!”  
  
This was making Akane’s headache worse. “OK! What do you need Ranma’s help with!”  
  
“Oh!” The girl turned to look over Akane, in her pajamas, bandage wrapped around her head. “Lil’Ran here is so sorry to have barged in like this!” She lightly bonked herself on the head, sticking out her tongue. “I just came here looking for help, and this rude boy here just ran away. I… I just want to see my brother and sister again!”  
  
“Wait, what do you mean?” Akane asked, absently punching Ranma's leg while giving him a positively evil stare. Running away from this girl in need of help! That wasn't like him at all!  
  
“Well, my father’s human. But my parents got divorced, and I went with my mother while my other two siblings stayed here with Father.” Ran explained. “I came here to try and find them, and this jerk just refused to help!” She pulled out a photo from her blouse. “This is my big brother, you know him? I think he does and isn’t helping!”  
  
"Then maybe I can help," Akane offered. She took one look at the photo and very nearly rolled out of the door. She recognized the boy in it right away. “Kuno!?”  
  
“Yes!” Ran said, “His name is Tatewaki Kuno. You know him, right!?”  
  
Akane looked over the half-alien girl. She seemed to mostly take after her mother, but looking at her curly hair she realized it did match the curls of the two Kuno siblings she knew. Oh no. Oh no! Every time she met another member of that family they turned out to be a total weirdo who would make her life more complicated!  
  
"So? So? Do you know where to find my big brother?" Ran asked, hands cupped together, eyes wide and pleading. "If you do, please take me to him! Right away! I'd be ever so grateful!"  
  
It was hard to tell what was worse. The thought of crushing her expectations, or dealing with those gleaming innocent eyes -  
  
"Quit jerking me around and take me to my brother already! Tee hee." Ran said, and Akane felt like there was some kind of error in the universe.  
  
“W-well…” Akane said, “It’s just that… err…”  
  
“Your brother’s a big pain in the ass.” Ranma said, deciding to let the truth come out. “So you’re probably better off not meeting him again.”  
  
The smile on Ran's face grew a little... Tense. It reminded Akane of a rubber band on the verge of snapping, whereupon it would inevitably slap you across the back of your hand. “That’s… an interesting thought! But I think I should be the judge of how I feel about my long lost family.”  
  
Akane took that comment and realized that it was a tad bit unfair to Ran. Just because she didn’t really like the Kunos didn’t mean that Ran would hate her family. "She has a point Ranma. It seemed scary finding out I was related to an alien -"  
  
Ran’s face just kind of snapped over into Akane’s direction. It was kind of like an owl’s head moving, mildly unnerving. “You’re half human too!?”  
  
"Yeah... Apparently that Oni girl from the race is my cousin -"  
  
Huh. It sounded like something crunched really hard, but Akane couldn't see what it was.  
  
“Cou-sin?! You-’re re-la-ted to Lum?” Ran said, eyes twitching.  
  
“Yeah, my mom was her dad's sister!” Akane said, “Do you know Lum?”  
  
  
“Playmates! Our moms are friends and we would play a ton together as little kids! Small galaxy huh!?” Ran said and laughed. Longer then was normal. "By the way!" Ran said, her head slowly yet jerkily turning towards Ranma. It reminded Akane of a car trying to parallel park. "How were the two of you related again?"  
  
The two blushed, “Err…” Akane said. Recalling how a mere month and a half ago they had almost gotten married.  
  
The door flew open, and in came Soun. "Akane, are you and your fiance alright?" He said, “I sensed this terrifying malignant aura!” He said, “Oh? Who’s this?”  
  
“This is Ran, she’s a friend of Lum’s.” Ranma explained, “And thanks Mr. Tendo. Thanks a lot.”  
  
“Oh nice to meet you young lady.” Soun said, “I thought I sensed great malice, but if it’s just a friend of my dear niece I guess there’s no problem!” He declared, and shut the door behind him, leaving just the younger people there.  
  
“A fiance! How… **pleasant!”** Ran said. “How about Lil’Ran give the future groom a kiss for good luck?”  
  
“No thanks! I got enough trouble with crazy girls trying to kiss me.” Ranma said, “I mean, you seem nice. Way nicer than your sister, don’t need luck."  
  
“OK.” Ran said, accepting that for now. “You know Kochan too?”  
  
“She’s one of the crazy girls trying to kiss me.”  
  
Oh dear, that might be trouble if Kodachi didn’t know about the effect her kisses could have on men due to her alien heritage. _Imagine if she kissed Lum’s Cousin’s Fiance without knowing about it!_ Why, she might drain him _dry as a desert._  
  
Ran turned back to Akane, now that she knew the relationship she could **see** the similarities in facial structure. Eye and hair color seemed to be the main differences. Why, it was almost like Lum was right next to her! How wonderful! ~~Where was her bazooka.~~ “So, you didn’t know you were Half-Oni?”  
  
“No. Lum accidentally shocking me apparently awoke my latent alien powers or something like that.” Akane shrugged, “It sucks! I’ve been in bed nearly two weeks now sick, I alternate between vomiting, shocking everybody nearby, and flying around uncontrollably!” She scratched the bandage around her head, “Plus freaking horns are sprouting out of my head so everybody will be able to tell! And I’m always hot and sweaty and-”  
  
“Oh most alien females across the galaxy have much higher internal body temperatures than humans. That’s why Lum wears such… skimpy outfits.” Ran smiled, “I myself am using specially engineered clothing to keep my body cool in this dress.”  
  
Both earthlings went “Aaahh…” because that explained some things. “So,” Akane said, “If you’d like you could spend the night and tomorrow we could take you to the Kunos…”  
  
“Hey, if she’s a friend of Lum’s maybe we could call her and she could come over to say hi too?” Ranma said.  
  
Ran clapped her hands, a bit too hard. “Oh that sounds **wonderful!”** She said, “Seeing Lum, her new fiance, reuniting with my family… it all sounds so very exciting! Who knows what I’ll do when that happens!?!?!?!?!”

 


	3. A Family Reunion (Of Doom!)

“Ran’s there?! Amazing I haven’t seen her in over a year!” Lum said. She had given all three sisters these big videophone devices to set up in their rooms to call her whenever they wanted. Akane, now well enough to dress herself, had called Lum in the middle of getting ready to head off to Kodachis. All her outfits felt far too hot to put on, it had taken nearly ten minutes to find a halter top and skirt combo that didn’t make her feel like she was going to sweat all her water out.  
  
“So how’d you two meet?” Akane asked, pulling the sleeveless top over her head.  
  
“Oh nothing that big, one day Mom just dropped me off at her place for a playdate. She seemed really sad for some reason, so I helped cheer her up!” Lum said, smiling a bit nostalgic, “I got a bit out of control and ended up coloring on her walls… oh. Oh oops, I just remembered that her mom blamed Ran for my drawings. Oh dear.”  
  
Akane pulled up the skirt, it went a bit past her thighs. Event this outfit was making her feel warm. “Sounds like the two of you were close. Well we’re going to be taking her to see the rest of her family.”  
  
“Ran never brought up any siblings, or her father.” Lum said.  
  
“Really?” Akane said, “That seems weird.”  
  
“Maybe the divorce wasn’t a pleasant one…” Lum said. “I don’t know what that would be like, my parents get along great! And I just know that my Darling’s going to be a good husband!” Lum didn’t say _”Once I catch him.”_ out loud.  
  
Akane didn’t quite know about Lum’s family situation, but she did know about the Kuno family. “Yeah, that makes some sense.” Akane slipped on her shoes, and her headache began anew. Great, getting dressed took up all her energy right now. She sat back onto the bed. “So you coming over?”  
  
“I’ll see if I can get ahold of Darling.” Lum said, “He’s still recovering from that splitting incident.”  
  
Splitting incident? Oh yeah Lum had told Akane about that, when Ataru had somehow split into two people with the good parts and bad of his personality split between them. Lum had proudly said she got the good half while that other girl interested in him, Shinobu was her name, wanted the “boring” half.  
  
“Well I’d like to meet him.” After all, he had saved her from becoming Queen of the Earth. Plus if Lum liked him so much he had to be a real charmer. Akane wondered idly how he’d match up with Ranma.  
  
“Hey Akane, I got your throne ready!” She heard Ranma call from outside of her room. That’s what he was calling the wheelchair she used to get around lately. Thankfully it could be retired by the end of the week.  
  
“I’ll be out in a minute!” Akane shouted back. She was dressed, had her purse by her side. Anything else?  
  
Oh right, she was going to the Kunos, so she grabbed her shinai. “See you later!”  
  
“Bye!” Lum waved, and the screen went black.  
  


* * *

  
  
Ran had parked her spaceship in their backyard. Thankfully it wasn’t that large, at least on the outside. Ranma knocked on the front door of the UFO. With a hiss the airlock opened, and Ran was at the door. They locked eyes. “You’re going out in that outfit?”  
  
Ran was wearing a pink bikini with silver knee high boots, and not much else. “Remember what I said about higher body temperatures? This is what’s comfortable.”  
  
With a half-lidded stare Ranma pointed to the thing strapped to her back, “And the bazooka?”  
  
“This?” Ran smiled innocently. “It’s just a squirt gun!” She aimed up up into air and pulled the trigger. A massive stream of water shot out of it, just inches from Ranma’s face. Several blocks away Mousse suddenly was unable to finish his delivery as he was now a duck. She let go fo the trigger and the stream of water stopped. “See? Just ready to play some games with Lum if she shows up!”  
  
Ranma slowly stepped away from the water cannon. “Err, sure. Anyways, I got to warn you. Your siblings are… well a bit weird.”  
  
"Oh my goodness, Ran must have misheard you! It sounded like you just **insulted my family right to my face!** Teehee, but Ran's certain you didn't say something so **thoroughly insensitive!** "  
  
"On second thoughts you'll fit in great," Ranma said, giving her a thumbs up. Oh boy! He'd always thought those two were not of this Earth. Little did he guess.  
  


* * *

  
  
“Right, follow me.” Akane said, sitting in the wheelchair.  
  
“Won’t you be following me?” Ranma asked, “Since I’m pushing it?”  
  
"Semantics! Onwards, steed!"  
  
"Real cute play on my name coming from an uncute girl. I think that's irony, right?" Ranma grabbed the handles and began pushing it. “You could walk on your own or even float now you know.”  
  
“It still gives me a headache.” Akane said, “And if i get a headache I start zapping things.”  
  
Ran giggled, "You're such a cute couple! I hope one day, Rei gives me such loving treatment."  
  
“Who’s that?” Ranma asked.  
  
Ran sighed romantically, “Oh Rei, he’s only the most handsome guy in the universe. So strong, so powerful! I just know I’ll win him over!”  
  
“So what, he a celebrity or something?” Ranma asked.  
  
“Oh, technically I suppose. But I know him personally. He’s an Oni and we went to school together along with…” Her hands twitched and gripped at her “Squirt gun” for a second. “Lum! They used to date! But Lum decided to go with an earth boy for... For some reason!”  
  
Ranma was starting to have a bad feeling about this mess. If she was anything like her siblings on the issue of unrequited love, well, It might end badly. At least the day seemed to be free of any bad omens. The sun was shining, the weather was good. Akane looked cute in that outfit, and the two were heading down the sidewalk by the canal with Ran just trailing a bit behind them. Perhaps he and Akane could just drop Ran off at the Kunos and this would end without-  
  
“I sense misfortune!” Ranma suddenly found a hideous looking face right in front of his!  
  
“Gaaaahhh!” Ranma shouted, jumping back, and just happening to land in the canal!  
  
Akane peered around to the short and ugly old monk now sitting on the back of her wheelchair. “Uh…”  
  
“Oh dear. I sense much misfortune coming from the two of you.” The monk said, “You women will bring that poor young man so much trouble!”  
  
Akane’s shinai and the back of Ran’s bazooka smacked him to the ground. “What are you talking about!?”  
  
“I am called Cherry.” The monk said, seemingly not affected by their blows. “And I can sense that neither of you are human! Thus you must be bringing that poor boy misfortune.”  
  
“That’s it? Just because we’re not human you think we’re out to hurt Ranma!?” Akane asked. “Also, I think we’re both half-human, so shouldn’t that count?”  
  
“That’s pretty racist overall.” Ran said.  
  
“Humph. It is not just your inhuman blood, but the malignant aura I sense! The boy is suffering under a terrible curse! One surely caused by the misfortune one of you two brought!”  
  
“No Ranma had that before either of us met him.” Akane said.  
  
It was at that point that Ranma managed to pull herself up out of the canal, “You stupid old monkey! Don’t scare me like that!” She grabbed Cherry by his shirt and shook him.  
  
“Hello young lady, I wasn’t talking to you.” Cherry said. He jumped out of Ranma’s grip, peering down the canal. “Alas, I lost the poor young man. Oh well, I bet that lovely housewife has finished breakfast by now.” He left without a care about the the trouble he had just caused.  
  
Ranma, Akane, and Ran all stared for a moment at the retreating monk. “I don’t know who that guy is but I hate him.” Ranma said.  
  
Ran looked at the soaked Ranma. “Oh wow Ranma, I had no idea you were an Andryonite.”  
  
"A what now?" Ranma said, that sounded familiar.  
  
Ran tittered. "An Andryonite! They're an alien race that switches genders.”  
  
Oh right, Lum had mistaken her for that too.  
  
“No it’s that curse that monk mentioned. He turns into a girl with cold water.” Akane said.  
  
"Teehee, silly half Oni! Curses don't exist! I bet that's something his father made up because he didn't want to admit the truth about his mother!"  
  
"My mom's human too!" Ranma scowled. "My pops turns into a doofy looking panda, I also know a guy that turns into a duck and a chick that turns into a cat."  
  
“And my dear Rei can turn into a tiger-cow but I don’t say he’s cursed.” Ran said.  
  
... The hell kind of guy was she into again?  
  
“Anyways, we should continue on to the Kunos.” Akane said. But it was at that point her danger senses twiched and-  
  
“Ohohoohhohoho! What makes you think you can come to my house uninvited, Akane Tendo!”  
  
Akane caught the giant mallet Kodachi Kuno was weidling between her hands, groaning under the strain. “Kodachi! I am in a wheelchair! Could you not attack someone sick!”  
  
“Oh? I am merely attacking in fairness before you are fully recovered. A Duel for Darling Ranma’s heart, right here right now! Whatever is the matter with -"  
  
And then sparks started to fly in quite a literal fashion. Alas, Ran was the only one not in range.  
  
Akane groaned, the headache pounding against her skull, the beat of the pounding matching the bolts being thrown out of her body. Once it returned to normal she saw both Ranma and Kodachi laying on both sides of her, twitching and sparking.  
  
"Tut tut! Definitely an Oni!" Ran sighed. "So who was that weird girl anyway? A friend of yours?"  
  
"That's your sister," Akane rubbed her forehead.  
  
**"Ah! You shocked my sis!"** Ran yelled. Not helping with the headache thanks!  
  
“I didn’t mean to! I can’t control these things yet!” Akane said.  
  
Ran’s face seemed to kind of bend for a second, but it quickly snapped back into a cheerful smile. “Well if it was **really** an accident then I guess I can forgive you!”  
  
“I fight on!” Kodachi sat up, “Akane Tendo, Pigtailed Girl! Do not think that you shall defeat me so easily with cheap tricks!”  
  
“Really? You’re going there!?” Ranma herself stood up. "You know what hypocrisy is, don't you?"  
  
"Of course. It's a thing that everyone in the world but me shows in their behaviour every single day. Ohohohoho!" Kodachi pulled out a ribbon, “Now, since I have defeated Akane Tendo by forcing her to reveal her base trickery, I take you on now Pigtailed-”  
  
“Kochan!” Ran grabbed her hands.  
  
“Pardon?” Kodachi blinked, staring into the eyes of the shorter girl. “....Ran!?”  
  
“It’s been a long time!” Ran said.  
  
“Oh my word, Ran! Does that mean you and Mother moved back to Japan!”  
  
Twitch. “Nope! Just me!” Ran said.  
  
Kodachi let out a girly sounding squeal, the two sisters jumping up and down for joy. Ranma leaned against Akane’s wheelchair. “You know, Kodachi may be a pain in the ass and I’m pretty sure Ran’s a serial killer, but seeing them happy like this makes it worth it.” Ranma said.  
  
Akane nodded, “Yeah let’s go home now.”  
  
“Wait!” Kodachi said, “Akane Tendo, Pigtailed girl! I… I must thank you for reuniting me with my long lost sister, we may be enemies both trying to win the heart of our Darling Ranma -”  
  
“Eh? Kochan, that girl is Ranma.” Ran said.  
  
“Oh no Ran. She has the same name as my beloved, but she’s clearly a woman.” Kodachi said.  
  
Ran tapped her chin. “You said you change into a girl with cold water, right Ranma? So to become a man…”  
  
“Err…” Ranma backed up, pulling Akane’s wheelchair with her.  
  
Ran drew her bazooka, flipped a switch, and fired. A torrent of steaming hot water sprayed out, drenching both Ranma and Akane. Elsewhere Akari finally found her date, but he was naked. She didn’t mind that much. When Ran took her finger off the trigger, Ranma and Akane both had steam coming off their bodies. Oh, and Ranma was male again.  
  
“Ranma darling!?” Kodachi said, “Yo- you’re also the Pigtailed Girl?!”  
  
“W-well yeah.” Ranma said.  
  
“So when you... When he… when she…” Kodachi said.  
  
“Oh dear, are you OK Kochan?” Ran asked.  
  
Ranma shook some hot water out of his hair. “She didn’t know about the dumb curse, I think you broke her.”  
  
_”OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!”_ Kodachi began to laugh. “To think, all this time Ranma, you’ve been hiding this from me! I had no idea you were genderfluid!”  
  
Ranma hit the ground, groaning. Akane facepalmed. The impact of that pun was at least three hiryu shoten has rolled into one!  
  
“Ah I see. Yes, you long to live the life of a man and woman, which is why you have ensared both my heart as well as my dear brothers! Well do not worry my dear, I am an open minded woman. But I must confess have little interest in your “female” persona, so if you wish to find a man for her feel free!”  
  
“That’s… that’s…” Ranma wanted to shout how that’s not how it worked, at all.  
  
“I imagine you’ve had to keep this such a secret, I imagine a traditional family like the Tendos is not OK with your condition, ah to think you’ve had to hide it from them!”  
  
"Oh, I've known about it since the day we've met," Akane sniffed, turning up her nose. "Darling has had such a rough time of it, but we've adjusted well."  
  
Ranma did a double take. Did she…?  
  
“Oh? Calling him Darling now?” Kodachi sneered.  
  
“What?” Akane said, “I didn- Oh. I did.” She suddenly blushed, “I didn’t mean to!”  
  
“Oh how tragic, to think you would dare try and bury your feelings, while I proclaim them to the world!” Kodachi laughed.  
  
To Akane’s surprise she began floating, sparks flashing around her. “You want to get zapped again!?” Whatever, she’d roll with it.  
  
But before it could come to blows, again, the sky darkened. All four people looked up to see another spaceship above them.  
  
Then the front door opened. “Hah! Sucker! I’m out of hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!” A boy ran out of the front door of the ship and managed to actually take three steps in the air, before looking down, and immediately beginning to fall. He landed with a loud crunch right between Akane and Kodachi.  
  
"Are you okay?" Akane asked.  
  
"Silly girl, how could he possibly be okay after a fall like -"  
  
The crumpled heap then leaped up, fit as a fiddle and grabbed both girls by the shoulders. "I'm fine now babes! Better than fine, just like the two of you!"  
  
Both Kodachi and Akane looked completely baffled at his sudden recovery as well as his sudden blatant flirting. “Err, Akane Tendo? Do you recognize this young man?”  
  
Realization hit Akane. “Wait. Aren’t you Ataru Moroboshi?” Akane recognized his face.  
  
“Oh! The man who beat those alien invaders back?” Kodachi said.  
  
“Oh yes I’m glad to see **somebody** recognizes my incredible efforts to keep the Earth safe!” Ataru said, “So lovely ladies, how about you introduce yourselves? Names? Phone Numbers? Addresses? All would be great!  
  
That’s when a hand gripped Ataru’s shoulder. Hard. Ataru looked down at the hand, his eyes trailed up the very muscular arm it was attached to. Then he saw the very broad, clearly muscled chest. Then he saw the face of a man glaring at him. And his free hand was clenching into a very strong looking fist.  
  
“Well I’m Akane Tendo.” Akane said lightly, “And that’s my fiance, Ranma.”  
  
“Fiance.” Ataru said. “Well that’s interesting. How’d you two meet!?”  
  
Before any more questions could be answered, (nor any more violence visited upon Ataru by a pissed off Ranma) a bolt of lightning struck down from the sky, hitting Ataru and tragically zapping Ranma by proxy.  
  
“Darling I let you out of my sight for five seconds and you’re already- Oh! Akane! Ranma!” Lum floated down from her ship. “Here you two are! How are you doing!”  
  
“Brzzahgba.” Ranma said.  
  
“Oh did I hit you by accident! I’m so sorry Ranma, I just meant to hit Darling.” Lum said, pulling the twitching Ataru off the ground. “He’s such a handful.”  
  
Akane found herself in mild disbelief. **This** was the guy her cousin had fallen head over heels for?  
  
Kodachi was beyond confused at this point. Things had stopped making sense once that UFO appeared and she was really wanting it to resume.  
  
Ran, on the other hand, was taking aim. “Hi Lum!” She said.  
  
“Oh! Ran! You’re here to! I see you brought the squirt gun!”  
  
“Yup! Setting it to ultra-max pressure!” Ran said. “Super Soaker Deathray XXXL! **FIRE!”**  
  
Akane, realizing that was probably a bad thing, quickly floated up and pulled Lum out of the way just as Ran pulled the trigger.  
  
An intense, concentrated, **glowing** stream of water shot out with a sonic boom. The shot lasted three seconds, before the force was too much and the bazooka itself exploded. The steam cleared, and Ran was standing in front of a massive gouge in the earth that had raised up, parted some clouds in the sky it had hit and shot down an unfortunate satellite.  
  
“Oopsie! I guess I over-calibrated it! My bad Lum!” Ran said, bonking herself on the head lightly.  
  
“Oh Ran, you’re so clumsy!” Lum said, and the two girls began to laugh.  
  
“Oh Lum! This is Kodachi, she’s my twin sister!” Ran said, wrapping her arm around Kodachi to pull her closer.  
  
“It’s a pleasure to meet you Miss Lum. Any friend of my dear sister Ran is a friend of mine!” Kodachi joined in the laughter.  
  
“Oh Akane told me about you!” Lum said.  
  
“Hmm? What’s your relation to Akane Tendo?” Kodachi asked.  
  
“We’re cousins. Funny how that works huh?” Lum said, and the three girls continued to giggle and laugh as they introduced themselves.  
  
“Ranma.” Akane said.  
  
“Yes?” Ranma said.  
  
“I don’t know what’s going on anymore.”  
  
“Hey!” Ataru said, “You’re related to Lum!?”  
  
“Yeah…” Akane said.  
  
“But you look normal!” Ataru said. “I almost hit on you!”  
  
Akane rolled her eyes, before pulling off the bandage and revealing the now fully grown Oni horns. “You did hit on me.”  
  
“And that’s your concern? That she’s related to Lum and not, you know, **engaged?”** Ranma said.  
  
“I make it a policy to never give guys attention.” Ataru said. “Now then! Those two beauties in the leotard and Bikini aren’t related to Lum right?”  
  
“No…” Akane said. "Though they are related to each other."  
  
“That just makes it even better!” Ataru said, “Hello there you two lovely ladies! I don’t think I ever got your names? Your phone numbers? Addresses? Three sizes?"  
  
“Oh wow, you’re so forward!” Ran giggled, “Well…”  
  
“Not now Darling!” Lum shouted, zapping him again.  
  
“Ranma, remind me never to get mad at you when Shampoo or Ukyo come onto you ever again.” Akane said flatly. “You’re downright monogamous compared to Lum’s fiance.”  
  
Ranma side-eyed her, “Oh come on, like I ever tried anything like that!”  
  
“That time Shampoo hated you.”  
  
“Damn it don’t bring that up!”  
  
“So, Lum.” Kodachi said, “Why bring this entire ship of yours. Couldn’t you have just taken the train if you live on Earth now?”  
  
“Right!” Lum flew up a bit above them. “I brought the ship because I was thinking that it was high time Akane headed off this planet for a bit! A major Oni cultural touchstone is coming up… after they noticed the bucket was broken and repaired it a couple months late…”  
  
Ran’s eyes widened, “Wait! You’re taking her to-”  
  
“That’s right Ran! It’s a bit late this year, but the Setsubun competition between the Oni and Lucky Gods Clan is on! And you’re all invited!”  
  
Dread. This was what mortal dread sounded like. Akane felt like the weight of the world was on her shoulders. Was this what Ataru felt like when he had to race for the fate of the world? Was he-  
  
“Well if cuties like Ran and Kodachi are coming sign me up!”  
  
Never mind. All he probably saw was the scantily clad Oni and got tired of her through repeated zappings.


	4. Catching up with Family

The spaceship was rather cozy. Ranma was beginning to think these aliens lived in their ships. What with the beds, fridges, and TVs. Lum had packed the whole group into the ship and was now heading off to what she called a “Neutral Planet” to apparently do some sort of contest. Lum had dragged Akane off to a private room on the ship, leaving the four guests to mill about.

  
Ran and Kodachi had ran off to their own little corner, the two sisters catching up after what Ranma was sure was years of separation. Kodachi may be a big pain in the rear but he knew exactly what it felt like to reunite with family. Which, sadly, left him dealing with Lum’s “Darling”, Ataru. He looked, overall, kind of annoyed at the whole endeavor. Ranma still hadn’t quite forgiven him for trying to come on to Akane, even if he had backed off the moment he noticed the horns. Why Ranma was so annoyed at Ataru hitting on Akane was thoroughly suppressed.  
  
“Soo… how’d you get stuck with her?” Ataru asked suddenly, breaking the weird silence.  
  
“Stuck with her?” Ranma asked, “You mean, Akane? Man I ain’t stuck with her. Even if our parents cooked up this arranged marriage cra-”  
  
“Wait, an arranged marriage?” Ataru said, in a flash he was at Ranma’s side, patting him on the shoulder in a way that reminded Ranma of a funeral greeting. “Geez, that’s like medieval level stuff. Why are aliens arranging marriages with humans? What, are alien men impotent or something?”  
  
Ranma scowled, “It’s not **that.** Akane’s mom is an Oni, we didn’t even know about aliens and stuff until Lum showed up a week before that weird tag game. Our dads are training buddies. They thought it’d be a great idea for me to marry one of Mr. Tendo’s daughters to continue the family dojo. Akane was the one who didn’t turn me down fast enough.” Ranma didn’t quite know why he was explaining this to Ataru, probably just that he’d probably be seeing a lot of the guy. Might as well get the exposition sorted now rather than later.

  
Ataru actually brightened up at this news. “So she’s mostly normal? OK! I’ll have to give Akane an apology once I see her again. Maybe get her number so we can-”  
  
Ranma had been leaning up against a nearby pipe as he chatted with Ataru. His hand suddenly gripped the pipe hard enough to crush it. He didn’t notice, but Ataru sure did.

  
“Err… so… that dojo thing?” Ataru said, eyes locked onto the several inch thick steel that Ranma had just crunched.

  
“Oh yeah, spent my whole live training in Martial Arts.” Ranma said, “Learned a ton of stuff.”  
  
“I see…” Ataru said, “So! Question! If, hypothetically, you picked a fight with me, how long you think that would take?”  
  
Ranma let go of the pipe, not really noticing the water leaking out of the crushed metal. “I can throw maybe five hundred punches in a second. I’m pretty sure I’d need just one, you don’t look like the fighting ty-”  
Dear reader, if you didn't know that the next thing that happened was Ranma getting drenched by water from that pipe he'd just crushed, then you don't know all that much about Ranma Saotome. If you then didn't know that, on seeing Ranma turn into a cute and busty girl, what Ataru Moroboshi did next then you don't know him very well either.

  
_”Warning, water pipe broken, deploying repair nanos.”_ The ship’s computer helpfully said. It was ignored by the two next to the pipe though.

  
“Woah! Where a cutie like you come from!?” Ataru said, grabbing Ranma’s hands. “Were you abducted by aliens like I was! Don’t worry, dear, I’ll protect you from them! So why don’t we introduce ourselves. I’m Ataru Moroboshi, and how about your name? Number? Bra size because I can see you’re not wearing-” The next thing Ataru knew he was punched five hundred times in the space of a second, before being kicked into the ceiling of the spaceship. "Oh, hi there Ranma! Silly me I thought you were a boy!"

  
"Huh?!" Ranma grunted, suddenly beset by the horniest boy in the universe. "That should've put you out for at least minute!"

  
"A love tap like that?" Ataru laughed it off, “Don’t worry about me! I think I understand now!” Ataru put his arm around Ranma. “Raised as a man by your father because he thought a woman couldn’t be his heir! Forced to take on an arranged marriage! Surely even as we speak your inner femininity is is screaming to burst out!”  
  
Meanwhile, back on Earth Ryuunosuke Fujinami sneezed, and then decked her idiot father.

  
Ranma’s eye twitched, “It’s… it’s not that…” She growled, “And get your hand off me!” She grabbed his arm and executed a perfect form judo throw, slamming him into the wall again. This seemed to have about the same effect on the boy as pointing to a comfy beanbag in the corner of the room. He was, in the space of a second, back in Ranma’s face. “OK, how the hell are you even walking?” This time she just kicked Ataru in the face, holding him back at leg’s length. “It’s like punching Ryoga except somehow tough-” She froze, a horrified thought coming to her head., “Oy, Moroboshi.”  
  
“Yes?” Ataru said, muffled through Ranma’s foot.  
  
“How often do girls hit you?”  
  
“Err, a lot?” Ataru admitted.  
  
“And how strong are they?” Ranma asked.  
  
“Oh lot of them are tough, and my dear Shinobu I think is almost as strong as you Ranma! She doesn’t hit me a ton but when she does ooohhh boy do I go flying!”  
  
With those words Ranma’s horrifying thought was confirmed. Ryoga had learned the Breaking Point by slamming himself into a bolder countless times over days. As a result he gained incredible toughness, able to take more punishment than anybody Ranma had met until today. Ataru Moroboshi had been his entire life _pissing off so many women_ and getting slapped, punted, beaten, kicked, etcetera over the course of his endless pursuit of pretty girls. He had, over his entire life, received similar conditioning. And then a second, even more horrifying, thought occured to Ranma. **Was this why Happosai was so hard to put down!?** All those mobs of angry housewives… they were just making him harder to beat! In other words being a total pervert was a genuinely worthwhile method of trai- of trai - Nope, couldn't finish that thought. It felt like if she let that thought finish then Akane would somehow know and smack him for it. And Ranma knew she’d deserve it.  
  
“Well I’ll give you my number if you just get me some hot water.” Ranma lied through her teeth.  
  
“Right away!” Ataru said, dashing off and coming back in a flash with a steaming kettle. How the hell did he boil water that fast?! “What you need it for? Going to make us some tea? Ohhh is this a dat-”  
  
Ranma took the kettle from Ataru, pouring it over now his head. Then he threw out an uppercut, straight under Ataru’s chin. **”I’m a guy you moron!”**

* * *

  
Akane looked at herself in the mirror. She and Lum now wore matching outfits. A tank top that ended at Akane’s midriff, a mini-skirt, a set of knee high boots, a helmet with large horns sticking out of the sides, and to top it off an actual cape. It was all orange and black tiger striped.

  
“Oh you look great!” Lum squealed, “Your Setsubun premiere is going to go great!”  
  
Akane blushed, the outfit was a weird combination of imposing and sexy. A little voice in her head wondered if Ranma would like it, and was quickly drowned out by an internal chorus of 'he had better not!' Akane shook that off and returned to the matter at hand. “So is this a big deal?”  
  
“Big deal! Big deal! The Setsubun Contest between the Oni and the Lucky Gods is the biggest brawl in the galaxy! The fate of the universe rests on its result!” Lum declared, a battle aura forming around her. “Every year we do battle! And this will be the biggest yet!”  
  
“It got delayed this year though?” Akane said, adjusting her skirt.  
  
“Yes there were some technical difficulties.” Lum said, “And, uh, I might have pushed for them to be resolved. They were seriously planning on canceling it!”  
  
“They were canceling something that the fate of the universe rests upon?” Akane said.

  
“I know, right? It’s terrible!” Lum said, throwing back her own cape to let it billow dramatically for a moment. "Especially when it's so much fun."

  
“Fun?” Akane asked. “Uh, Lum, what exactly are we going to be doing in this… fight? Contest?”  
  
Lum took Akane’s shoulders, her facing shifting to pure seriousness. “A battle like this can not be explained with words, we must meet our enemy head on.”  
  
Akane’s eyes widened, her expression matching Lum’s. “Right, I know exactly what you mean!” Yes of course. That was how she preferred to fight. Facing the enemy, straight on in a contest of strength and determination. Burning battle auras erupted around both of them. “I’ll make this the best Setsubun for you ever!”  
  
“Wonderful!” Lum said, letting go of Akane and pulling open a closet. There were lines of outfits. Several old fashioned looking armors, and what looked like swimsuits. Akane reached in and picked up what looked like a weird combination of speedo and breastplate. The armor, obviously built for a man, amounted to a halfway covering piece of leather.  
  
“Ooohhh you want Ranma to wear that!?” Lum said.  
  
“W-what!? That’s what this is for!?” Akane stared at the skimpy outfit, and pictured Ranma in it. Her face reddened, then she pictured Ranma in it post cold water. Her face reddened further. "Um! We should - we should probably get him some stronger chest protection too. Something, uh... flexible."  
  
“Oh it’s very flexible. Made of hyper-polymer.” Lum picked up the half breastplate from off the hanger and bent it down the middle, it snapped back into position without any trace of damage. “So Ranma will be comfortable and protected with this, let’s go get him!”  
“Wait! N-no!” Akane said.  
  
“What?” Lum smirked, “Don’t you waaaannnnttt to see your Darling in this?” Lum winked, “Just tell him it’s the traditional Setsubun garb for a girl’s fiance.”  
  
“It’s not like that!” Akane said, “Don’t you dare!”  
  
“Ranma! I got your outfit for Setsubun!” Too late, Lum was already flying out the door.

  
"Ah! Noooo! Stop!" Akane’s legs left the ground, flying after her cousin. “Stop!”

  
"Akane picked it out for you!" Lum said, laughing.

  
"What are you trying to tell him!" Akane shouted.  
  
“Nothing more than the truth!” Lum gave a naughty wink and reached the talking boys. “Here you go Ranma!” She tossed the bundled outfit at him. “It’s what you have to wear for the Setsubun contest.”  
  
“Huh OK… that’s an interesting pair out outfits you got on and-” Ranma actually looked down and noticed the outfit. “The hell is this!?”  
  
“Don’t you even think about-” Akane charged forward, still flying. But Lum held out her foot, and Akane somehow managed to **trip** mid-air, doing several somersaults and hitting the still being repaired pipe. Which, of course, caused it to break again and spray cold water all over Ranma.  
  
Ranma looked down at the outfit, and back up at Akane. “Do I have to?” She asked.  
  
“...fine yes you have to. Happy Lum!?” Akane said.  
  
“Very.” Lum pulled out a second similar outfit. “Here you go darling!” The dropped it into Ataru’s head.”  
  
“Oh come on! Do I have to put up with this nonsense?” Ataru shouted.|  
  
Ranma grabbed Ataru by the back of his collar. “Come on perv, if I have to put up with this then you have to.”  
  
“Oh are we changing together!?” Ataru asked, and then was punched by Ranma, kicked by Akane, and shocked by Lum, all simultaneously. “Hot water then!”

* * *

  
Of course, while all that was going on Ran had dragged Kodachi to the ship’s bathroom. Which, it turned out, had a fairly large bath contained within. (Ran had been in this ship before.) Ran had declared that “This is going to be a long trip with an annoying ending, so let’s enjoy this while we can” and the two had hopped into the too large bath.

  
Kodachi personally could hardly believe today was real. It had been a decade since her mother left with her younger twin. But now she was back, and an alien? Her mother wasn’t from Earth!? Ranma was the pigtailed girl? Stuck with sensory overload, Kodachi did something she rarely did. She stayed quiet, and listened to people not herself. Namely Ran. “So what about you Kochan, I noticed you… eyeing that Ranma boy.”  
  
“Oh yes, Ranma-darling. I met him some time ago, when he so nobly rescued me! Ever since then I have felt the passion, the heat, the love between us.”  
  
Ran smiled, “Oh Kochan that sounds truly wonder-”  
  
“But then those wretched other girls keep trying to steal him!” Kodachi hissed. “That crossdressing chef, the chinese girl, and worst of all Akane Tendo! How that women keep her claws into my darling Ranma I do not know. But I try to foil her at every turn!”  
  
Ran twitched, “I see. I see. Yes. I understand exactly how you feel Kochan. The love of my life is the same way! Lum stole him! She bewitched him and even though she dumped him just because she could he’s still obsessed with him! Even now I’m getting ready to get back at her! _Ohohohoho!”_

  
Kodachi gripped Ran’s hands. “So she’s just like Akane Tendo! I’ll have my revenge on her!”  
  
“They’re wicked cousins Kochan, of course they’re awful.” Ran gripped her sisters hands, luckily Kodachi was significantly stronger than Ran or else it might have hurt a little. “Always flauting that **sexy body** of hers and acting all **nice and cute** but I know the black heart that beats in her too big chest!”  
  
“And you say Akane Tendo is also…”  
  
“An Oni yes.” Ran said, “Those wicked Oni, trying to steal our men!”  
  
“To think all this time I thought was merely speaking in metaphor when I called her a demon!” Kodachi said.

  
“Oh trust me, they’re terrible when angry.” Ran shuddered, “The things she put me through in childhood. The beds… the **bees.** It was awful! So don’t worry Kochan, I’ll help you get Ranma!”  
  
“Oh Ran!” Kodachi said, tears in her eyes, hugging her sister. Thus she completely missed the rather nasty smirk that crossed Ran’s face.

  
_Sorry Kochan. I’ll help you get Ranma. But once you give that boy his first kiss, well, I imagine you’ll be a bit surprised when he stops acting like the handsome young man you might like. I’m sure you’ll get over it._ She thought, hugging Kodachi tighter.


	5. It's Setsubun time!

“We’re here!” Lum announced happily. The ship coming to a stop. “Sportron IV, best spot for Setsubun!”  
  
“That’s… that’s good.” Ranma said, his face a little green. Space travel was **awful.** It was like being on a ship except it swayed in every possible direction. His guts felt like they were where his feet were supposed to be. It didn’t help that this outfit Lum had dragged him into was embarrassing beyond all reason.  
  
“Great. So can we get this over with?” Ran asked.  
  
“What you don’t want to participate?” Lum said. “But it’s so exciting!”  
  
Ran rolled her eyes, “For you maybe.”  
  
Akane was bouncing up and down in the air, staying up longer then one would expect. Clearly floating a little. “Did my mom ever do this?”  
  
“Of course! The Setsubun is a grand tradition!”  
  
“Can you stop the hyping up and get us down to the planet?” Ran asked impatiently.  
  
“Oh fine.” Lum said, hitting a large red button that rose up on the console. “Transporting to the planet… now!”  
  
Ranma didn’t know what alien teleport technology would be like, but having what appeared to be a hole opening up under all of them was not what he expected. The group fell through what looked like a tunnel of some kind, sliding down until after a moment falling out of another hole that appeared from nowhere.  
  
“The hell!?” Ataru said. They had landed smack dab in the middle of what looked like two rival delinquent gangs ready to throw down.  
  
“Oy it’s the princess!” One of the guys on the non-oni side said. So those were the ‘Lucky Gods?’ They looked pretty intimidating!  
  
“Lum! There you are!” A low voice growled. Ranma, Akane, Kodachi, and Ataru all turned around to see a mountain talking to them. Wearing an outfit very similar to what Ranma and Ataru were decked out in. Even Ranma stepped back a little from the sheer size of the guy. He definitely was more what one would expect upon hearing the word “Oni.” Huge, brutish looking, massive fangs jutting out of his mouth. “You’re late!”  
  
“Sorry Daddy!” Lum said, and with those words Ranma, Akane, and Kodachi all did a double take. This monster was Lum’s father!? Akane’s jaw dropped. _This man was her uncle!?_ “I just had to bring over Akane!”  
  
”Bu vf gung bhe avrpr! Fur ybbxf fb phgr!” A woman a little bit taller than Lum popped up from behind the man.  
  
"Fur'f nznmvat Zbgure!" Lum said to the woman, glancing back to the group. “That’s my Mom, say Hi to your auntie Akane. Though she isn’t good with languages so she only speaks Oni.”  
  
They all looked across towards Lum's mother. Then up and up and up towards her father. All of them tried really, really hard to not think about Lum's conception. _Wait, wait... He had a kid with her? But... but with that kind of size he'd squash her. Right?_ The train of thought ran through their mind, trying to process it all in spite of their attempts to **really not process it**.  
  
“Akane!?” The huge Mr. Invader said, “My sister’s daughter!?”  
  
“Y-youngest daughter. H-hi Uncle…?” Akanes said.  
  
For a moment it seemed everything vanished bar Akane and Mr. Invader. Silence seemed to fall on the playing field as the ridiculously huge alien towered over the normal sized half human girl. The ogre of a man squat down to get at her level, looking her right in the eyes. Each of his fangs were as big as her head. It felt like if he inhaled wrong he'd swallow her whole. The aura was tense. So much so that Ranma balled his fists and made ready to clobber this guy into the next galaxy.  
  
"Waaah!" Mister Invader cried. "Akane! I haven't seen you since you were little Ten's age! You've grown up so much!" He reached over and grabbed a convenient piece of cloth and let out a very loud snort. “Oh if only my dear sister was here to see you all grown up like this. Poor girl always had such a weak constitution!”  
  
“Hey that’s my shirt!” Ranma shouted.  
  
“Daddy don’t cry in front of the Lucky Gods!” Lum whined.  
  
Akane wondered, for a moment, if she was really related to aliens on her father’s side.  
  
“But Lum! This is family! It’s been so long!” the giant ogre said, drying his tears on Ranma's favourite shirt. "Coming together like this, on Setsubun! Waaaah!"  
  
"Qrne jr pna pngpu hc jvgu ure nsgre jr svavfu Setsubun.” Mrs. Invader patted her husband on the back.  
  
“Oy oy, what’s with the hold up here!” A third voice interrupted this family get together. A woman walked in from the Lucky Gods side. A tall young woman with short hair. Her outfit was only barely more modest than Lum’s usual attire. A red bikini top, short shorts, and thigh high boots. Her right shoulder had a matching guard on it, and a chain hung around her chest like a sash.  
  
“Oh great Benten’s here.” Ran said.  
  
“Huh? Ran? The hell you doing here? Finally decided to join in the fun?"  
  
"You call it fun. I call it pointless roughhousing." Ran stuck out her tongue and turned up her nose.  
  
"Yeah! That's fun!" Benten slapped her on the back. It was actually really hard to tell if that was camaraderie or hostility.  
  
“Invader! You ready to start!” A similarly huge muscled man, covered in scars, a spiky dyed blond hair, and with an eyepatch, walked over to them. “We’ve been waiting!”  
  
“I’m sorry, b-but… but I just met my youngest niece for the first time since she was a little baby!” Mr. Invader said, still blubbering.  
  
The hulking Lucky God looked at Mr. Invader, then Akane.  
  
He then also burst into tears. “Oh how wonderful!” The two sobbing men hugged.  
  
“Uggg… Daddddd…” Benten groaned. “OK! I’m in charge now! We’re starting the Setsubun!” She looked over at Ataru and Ranma. "Who are they?"  
  
Lum spoke up. "This is my fiance, Ataru. And this is Akane's fiance, Ranma."  
  
"Waaaaah, and they brought their fiances as well!"  
  
"They grow up so quickly, don't they Invader? Before we know it even Ten will - Waaah!"  
  
"Akane... Don't they remind you of - "  
  
"Don't even say it," Akane warned. But yes. They did. They reminded her so, so much of a certain other pair of goofball idiot fathers.  
  
"Hey I am not her fiance!" Ataru protested.  
  
“But Darling you proposed after winning the tag race!” Lum said.  
  
“Hah! So this punk beat you in tag Lum?” Benten leaned over to Ataru, “Interesting.”  
  
“I’d say, and you said your name is Benten?” Ataru was up in her face, “What do you say we ditch this silly Setsubun and-”  
  
Benten elbowed him in the face. “Clever clever! Siccing your boyfriend on me to try and flirt with me as a distraction!”  
  
“Yeah let’s go with that.” Lum said.  
  
Kodachi, who had been feeling overwhelmed over the past few minutes, spoke up, “Ah, perhaps I could join this contest? On the side opposing Akane Tendo, of course.” Oh yes, she would begin the process of defeating her here and now! Whatever battle this was she would come out on top.  
  
Benten slapped Kodachi on the back, “Sure, uh, whoever you are!”  
  
“That’s my sister, Kodachi.” Ran said.  
  
“You have a sister?” Benten asked.  
  
“Yes, we’re twins. My father was the one who got custody of her when my parents broke up.” Ran explained, hopefully for the last time. Oyuki was generally the type to know that sort of thing before she bothered to show up.  
  
“Cool! We’ll have to take her to catch up after Setsubun!” Benten laughed, “You ready Lum!”  
  
“Born ready!” Lum said.  
  
Akane nodded nervously beside her cousin. She could feel the tension in the air, it building up inside her body. This was the first major activity she was involved with her Mother’s family for! This conflict between alien races? How intense would the fighting be? Would there be injuries?  
  
Would there be casualties!? Would she or Ranma get hurt from all this!? Oh no why did she let Ranma come along!?  
  
“You punks ready!?” Benten shouted to the assembled Lucky Gods, all of them looking extremely tough and dangerous. Howls and growls emerged from the crowd.  
  
“You guys ready!?” Lum shouted to the Oni, they did a similar shout.  
  
“Y-yeah…” Akane whispered.  
  
“Drop the pillars!” Benten shouted, and from the sky two massive pillars with a flat disc on top fell to the ground, landing with a massive thud in the No Man’s Land between the two sides. With a leap Benten jumped up to the pillar near her side, while Lum flew up to the one near her side.  
  
Suddenly large sacks materialized beside Akane and Ranma “What are these?” Ranma opened his bag. It was a sack full of black beanbags.  
  
“Baskets ready!” Lum said, holding up a large basket, “Now Oni…”  
  
“Begin!” Benten shouted, and with a war cry all the Oni and Lucky gods began throwing their black and white beanbags respectively into the giant baskets their Princesses were standing by.  
  
“Go go Oni!” A group of Oni girls in cheerleader uniforms began to chant.  
  
“You can do it Lucky Gods!” A similar set of Lucky God Cheerleader girls said from their side.  
  
Ranma and Akane stared, their faces blank.  
  
“Ranma… this.. This is Tamaire*, right?” Akane asked.  
  
“Yeah. The hell? Are these guys elementary school kids!?” Ranma said.  
  
“I mean… they did settle the issue of an invasion with Tag…”  
  
"How do you think they run trials?" Ranma pondered. "Red light, green light?"  
  
"Oh, no. We settle trials with a nice rousing game of tiddlywinks." Lum called down from the pillar, “Now come on Akane, Ranma! We got to get the most bags into the basket! Start throwing!”  
  
Akane felt an emotion well up in her soul. It was **disappointment.** She had been so hyped up for something major with her cousin and this was it? Who could possibly get into something so childish?  
  
“Anything Goes Special Technique!” Ranma picked up the sack, “Soaring Windswept Dove!” His hands blurred and dozens of beanbags flung out through the air at once.  
  
"Oh hey!" Benten yelled. "Lum, your cousin's got awesome taste in men!"  
  
Akane groaned. She had forgotten who she was engaged to.  
  


* * *

  
  
Ah, the noble sport of Tamaire. Kodachi knew it well. You might call it her first love, even before gymnastics. Ah, to think for the first time in years she has cause to bring out her old personal Tamaire gear!  
  
Such fun! The bean bags filled with itching powder. The fake baskets to throw people’s aims off, and the exploding bean bags for those people who complained!  
  
“Ohohohoho!” She threw the beanbags and, sure enough, the powder landed over the Oni and they began scratching and itching. “Yes you aliens think you can defeat the Black Rose!? I think not!”  
  
“Wow that’s real impressive Kodachi!” A voice popped up behind her. By instinct Kodachi threw out a ribbon, wrapping up the male that had snuck up on her. “Wow I guess you’re into this?”  
  
“...you’re the fiance of that Lum woman.”  
  
"Aw, there's no need to stoop to that kind of insult!" the boy beamed at her, seeming even more foolish than her older brother. "Let's talk about you and me, babe!"  
  
“There is nothing to talk about.” Kodachi said.  
  
Yet somehow Ataru got in front of her. “Aww don’t be like that!” He said. “I’m sure once we get to know each other we’ll see we have a lot in common!”  
  
“I see little we have in common.” Kodachi said.  
  
“We’re both ordinary humans.” Ataru said.  
  
“That’s not anything special!” Kodachi said.  
  
Ataru gestured around them, “We’re the only humans for miles.”  
  
“I learned today that my mother is not human.”  
  
“We both have mothers!” Ataru said, putting a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Give her my sympathy," Kodachi said, pushing past him, a little hard. He knocked over a Lucky God that was nearby. It was a new sensation, feeling sympathy for someone she did not know. But something about this boy bothered her. That’s when she felt two arms wrap around her shoulders.  
  
“Mom would probably accept it. She’d find you adorable!” Ataru said, “So what do you say? A number at least?”  
  
“Will you go bother some other unlucky woman!” Kodachi spun around, pulling out several itching powder bags, “Leave me be!” She threw them.  
  
And just as she did so, a stray bean-bag hit the ones she threw, which made them explode and scatter the itching powder. Exactly between her and Ataru.  
  
No fair! The itching powder wasn’t supposed to hit her! “You buffoon!” She shrieked, already feeling the urge to scratch.  
  
“Oh wow is this itching powder? Here, let me give you a back massage, I’m sure that will help.”  
  
What would it take for him to stay down!?  
  


* * *

  
  
Meanwhile, Ranma was having a good time. Sure it was a kids game, but sometimes it was fun to just cut loose once in a while. Also, he had noticed that this bag never got empty. Must be some sort of alien supertech.  
  
Of course, the Lucky Gods and Oni were no sloches at the game. They had dead on aim, and the two Princesses cheering on sure seemed to inspire them.  
  
Of course, Ranma knew the rules. Get the bags into the basket. So if he tossed his beanbags like so…  
  
His black bags hit the white ones, and in a display of improbable momentum bounced off to land in the proper basket while the Lucky Gods hit the ground.  
  
Ah-hah! Attack and Defense combined, pretty clever. With a grin Ranma began this new tactic. Bouncing his beanbags off his opponents to score, next he would-  
  
His danger senses kicked in, and Ranma leapt to the side just in time to avoid a divebomb kick that left a small crater in the ground. Standing there, her arms folded, was the Lucky God’s Princess.  
  
“Pretty impressive, trying to knock our bags down like that.” Benten said. “But I’m going to have to ask you to stop.”  
  
Ranma grinned cockily. “And If I keep it up?”  
  
Benten cracked her knuckles. “I have full rights to make you stop.”  
  
The threat was rather implicit, and anybody who wore chains as fashion accessories was probably a **little** tough. But this was far from the first time Ranma had been threatened and ass-beating. Plus, he was kind of curious to see how tough this alien was. So he just gave her a wink, a smile, and threw six bean bags at the thrown white ones, letting them all land smoothly in the Oni basket.  
  
Benten smirked. “Oh it’s on then.” With a sound like a cracking whip, she threw a haymaker straight at him. Ranma ducked under it, tossing out more bags. This time, however, Benten toss up her own. The opposing beanbags collided and exploded. She didn’t let up, launching a roundhouse kick!  
  
“Fast!” Ranma observed. He didn’t know how much of this was from alien super strength or something and how much was from her own ability. Still interesting. He slid to the left, avoiding several punches that sent some unlucky Lucky Gods and Oni that got in the way flying.  
  
Ranma guessed that brawls erupting in the middle of Setsubun wasn’t that unusual, since nobody was paying them much mind. Or maybe the Princess’s role in this weird version of the game was to beat up anybody who got smart like him.  
  
He looked over to see Akane on the distant end of the arena, throwing bags into her basket. Though she looked a little disappointed. Good, that should be far enough for this plan to work.  
  
“Honestly this alien game’s kind of dumb.” Ranma mused, idly tossing more bags in the direction of the basket, which Benten deflected.  
  
“Dumb!? Excuse me! Setsubun’s awesome! It’s the best part of the year!” She shouted, rushing him and bowling over several of her own people. Ranma sidestepped her charge, but she spun around and hurled several bean bags at him. Throwing his own to deflect them, he continued his mocking.  
  
“I mean, on Earth we have a game like this but it’s for dumb kids. Nothing **important.”** He said, watching her face get more pissed off. He felt a little bad doing this to a girl, but if the all the people being sent flying by the shockwaves from her punches she could probably take it. And hey, if he positioned himself right....  
  
“Hah! You trying to piss me off or something!” She shouted, barreling towards him. “I’ve noticed you’ve done nothing but dodge like some kind of pansy? Or are earth men just wimps!?”  
  
Ranma didn’t let the insult get to him, instead he moved to just underneath the Lucky God’s pillar. One more punch and, “Oh yeah, we win.” he said, when Benten’s fist rocketed towards him.  
  
“The hell you talking about!?”  
  
“Hiryu Shoten Ha!” Ranma said. Now, it should be noted that Ranma had intended to put only a little power into this technique. Cutting off his own Soul of Ice quickly, just long enough to knock down their basket from below.  
  
Unfortunately, he had forgotten that he was in the middle of giant intense species wide contest. And the amount of heat being put out by **all** the players was more then he had ever dealt with.  
  
As such, it was not so much of a tornado that formed above him, so much as a hurricane that formed over the entire battlefield.  
  
“What the hell!?” Benten shouted, as every single Oni, Lucky God, Half-Human, and pervert were sucked into a massive spiral of wind.  
  
“Oh crap!” Ranma shouted, realizing exactly how he had screwed up. “Akane!” He turned to where he had seen here, where she was supposed to be out of range except nobody was! The Oni in the group seemed to be in better shape than the Lucky Gods, since they could fly and were moving with the storm. But Ranma didn’t quite notice that, he just noticed Akane in her special outfit and ran towards her!  
  
“Hey don’t run you idiot…!” Benten shouted, grabbing at the ground to keep from being caught up in the storm. Ranma didn’t listen. He just had to get to Akane!  
  
Meanwhile, Akane had not witnessed the fight herself, so did not know why a sudden hurricane had appeared. She could probably take a few guesses later on when she calmed down a little bit, but being swept up by a sudden spinning gale is not entirely the best time for calm. She was still kind of new to this flying thing so it wasn’t easy keeping pace with these winds! She had managed to avoid hitting anybody so far, at least.  
  
“Akane!” She heard her name and somebody’s hands grip her. “I got youaaagghhhghgf”  
  
Akane’s reaction was instinctual, electricity coming out of her to zap whatever had grabbed her! Of course, then she realized it was Ranma. “Oh, Ranma!” she said. “Oh no…” She pulled herself through the winds, trying to…  
  
“Kodachi?” Akane said, flying past Kodachi and Ataru, both concerned with scratching each other rather than avoid being battered by the winds. “Are you OK!?”  
  
“This is all your fault Akane Tendo!” Kodachi shouted. Before being blown off in a different direction.  
  
Finally the wind began to die down, as the power put into it began to fade off. The Oni seemed quick on the uptake and caught most of the Lucky Gods who couldn’t fly under their own power.  
  
“What was that?!” Lum shouted, her hair frazzled and her cape torn.  
  
Black and white beanbags rained down from the sky, and the now two empty baskets hit the ground with a quite thud. And then Benten hit the ground to. “Ow…”  
  
“Benten!?” Lum flew over to her. “You OK?”  
  
Benten pulled herself off the ground, “That fiance of your cousin’s! He can make freaking tornados!”  
  
“Humans can do that?” Lum asked.  
  
“Apparently!” Benten said, “I was, uh… talking with him, and he made all this!”  
  
Akane looked down at the twitching fiance in her arms. “Ranma!? Did you…”  
  
“Errggg… wasn’t… supposed to be that big..” He muttered.  
  
All of a sudden she felt a lot less guilty about zapping the idiot.  
  


* * *

  
  
“Well, for the first time in a Millennia the Setsubun is a tie.” Mr. Invader said.  
  
“So, this year we both need to pick out the Biggest Fool!” Benten’s dad said.  
  
“Luckily, we already know the two who ruined this year’s Setsubun.” Mr. Invader said, “It’s these two idiots!”  
  
“The hell am I doing up here!?” Benten shouted.  
  
“You know you’re not supposed to pick fights! Yet you do it!” Her dad shouted.  
  
Ranma and Benten were both tied to poles, with cardboard monster faces on their heads.  
  
Akane looked down at the bowls full of beans that had appeared in front of her. This was a bit more like of what she’d expect out of Setsubun.  
  
“Out with the bad!”  
  
“Ow!” Benten said.  
  
“In with the good!”  
  
“Dammit how the hell do these beans hurt so much!?” Ranma added.  
  
“It’s the evil leaving your body!” Lum said cheerfully, throwing beans at Ranma and Benten.  
  
“I thought we were friends Lum!?” Benten said.  
  
“Rules are rules!” Lum said.  
  
Maybe Akane would hold back on celebrating for now.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tamaire is a game played in Japan, commonly by elementary school children on Athletic Festivals. It involves two teams throwing as beanbags into a basket placed on a stand. The team that gets the most beanbags in the basket wins.


	6. Meet the Invaders

The Tendo dojo was unusually quiet this evening. This was probably because the two biggest sources of noise were out with their cousin’s friend and/or cousin. With this brief moment of peace and quiet, Soun found himself sitting on the engawa, watching the serene pond. Pondering life, his family, and of course his late wife. Ah she had been beautiful, exciting, and unique. Alas she was never the most study of beings, and she passed from an alien illness she had caught before moving to Earth when their family was still young. Even now Soun missed her, and wondered how different things would be if she had been able to pull through.

“Daddy.” Soun heard his middle daughter’s voice coming from behind him. He turned to face her, and immediately wished he hadn’t. Nabiki had her scary face on. “Can you explain why you never brought up the fact that _mom is an alien_ please?” Oh dear she was smiling. That made it all the more terrifying. Soun recalled that same smile was often on his wife. Usually before she lit him on fire.  
  
"W-well, you never asked?" he lamely offered.  
  
"Yes, I did! On my tenth birthday!"  
  
Oh, that's right. Nabiki had asked Soun how he met his dear wife. Soun had told a… modified version of the story. Stripping out any mention of Happosai, and any sort of alien elements. Also the tag game which he still didn’t quite get, culturally speaking. “I wanted you girls to live a normal life, and it didn’t seem like any of you showed any unique traits from your Mother’s side so I decided to.. ah... just ignore it?”  
  
“Normal life? Do you know how many yokai I’ve seen just this past month? Or the frankly stupid martial arts challengers of the most inane things?”  
  
“Martial arts Procrastination has a long and noble history Nabiki.”  
  
“They took two weeks to actually get to fighting Ranma.” Nabiki said, “Also, because you were so slack about it we couldn’t get in contact with our extended family!”  
  
“Well they did want to take over the Earth. So Mother figured that minimizing contact would be best…”  
  
“I could have been Queen of the Earth!” Nabiki said, single a tear running down her cheek. “If they’d setup that tag game earlier maybe that weirdo Moroboshi wouldn’t have been able to win and we’d be living in a sky palace or something.”  
  
“Wouldn't that be a lot of work though?” Soun asked.  
  
"That's what the handmaidens are for!" She brushed off his concern, “Loyal pretty handmaidens, ohh maybe some alien ones, to do the day to day grunt work.. Ah…” her expression perked up, “Or maybe they have robots to do all that now!” Then her expression became scary again, “So you screwed us out of intergalactic royalty Daddy, how are you going to make up for it?”  
  
“I wouldn’t put it like that, your mother didn’t exactly tell me her family would run-”  
  
The sky darkened, the light provided by the moon and stars vanishing. In its place were dozens of other flashing lights. Soun and Nabiki both peered up, there was the biggest space-ship they had seen yet over their house. The bottom of the UFO opened up, and a beam of light shone down into the backyard. “Waaaaaahhhh!!” Ranma fell out of the UFO, and because the universe is cruel landed right into the koi pond. And because the universe also has a sense of humour, somehow the koi all completely survived. In comedy only the jackass gets hurt. "Owww!" Ranma whined. Falling from height into water hurts.  
  
Akane began descending from the beam of light normally “Are you OK?” She asked her fiance.  
  
Ranma spat out some water and a koi, it was unhurt. “Oh I’m fine. How come that beam didn’t work on me!?”  
  
THUD. Then Ataru Moroboshi fell out of the UFO, hitting the rocks next to the koi pond. Falling from height onto rocks hurts a lot more. “Mom can I have another serving?”  
  
“Oops! I forgot to set the transport beam to work with species not capable of flight. Sorry!” Lum drifted down after Ataru hit the rocks. She waved to the gawking pair, “Hi Uncle Soun!”  
  
"Oh man... I could have flown over nations demanding tribute..." Nabiki sighed.  
  
Ranma pulled herself out of the pond. Water dripping off her body, “Hey Mr. Tendo, we’re back and uh-”  
  
“Oh wow Ranma sweetie, that look really brings out your beauty!” Ataru somehow recovered from his latest physical trauma and grabbed Ranma into a hug that would put Shampoo to shame.  
  
Ranma reacted instantly, flipping Ataru over an slamming him head first into the ground. Where Lum and Akane both zapped him. Normally this wouldn't be half enough to put him down, but it had been a really rough day.  
  
“I see you’ve gotten the hang of the whole alien superpowers thing.” Nabiki observed, fighting back a bit of jealousy. Maybe it would be worth vomiting for a couple weeks to be able to fly?  
  
Akane landed next to Nabiki, “Yeah got a crash course with some of Lum’s friends.” She glanced over at Ranma, “Ranma helped by making a tornado.”  
  
"What a helpful fiance you have," Kasumi said, walking out from the kitchen.  
  
Ranma’s face reddened. “It wasn’t-”  
  
“Oh! Oh! Uncle Soun!” Lum flew over to him, “Can we come over for dinner?” She cupped her hands together, smiling brightly. Overall she looked utterly adorable. Who could say no to a face like that?  
  
Great! This would hopefully get Nabiki off his back, “Of course, I’d be glad to have you over.”  
  
“OK I’ll go call my parents down then!” Lum dashed back up to the UFO.  
  
Parents?! Oh dear. Soun remembered the pictures his late wife had shown him of her brother. That massive brute of a man!? Would he be happy with the person who had taken away his sister!? Or would he just squish him under his massive feet? He braced himself, ready to defend against any accusations when!  
  
“Oh Tendo!” Soun was prepared for many things. He was not prepared for a giant Oni man crushing him into a giant hug. “If only I had been here with you! To see my nieces grow up!” he wailed.  
  
"Uhznaf arrq gb oerngur, Qrne." Mrs. Invader landed next to her husband, pulling Soun out of the crushing grip before he met his wife again.  
  
“Ah.. ohh… err, nice to see you too Invader.” Soun gave Mrs. Invader a polite bow.  
  
“Oy Tendo what’s-” Genma stepped out and stopped when he saw the massive man patting Soun on the beck. He quickly put two and two together, “That your brother-in-law?”  
  
“In-indeed.” Soun said. “Mr. Invader is my late wife’s younger brother…”  
  
Mr. Invader let out a long sob into a red cloth. (“That’s my other shirt!” Ranma protested) “Ah she was such a sweet girl. I’m sure she was a loving wife and mother!”  
  
Soun felt his nervousness vanish. Instead he felt a familiar feeling, the bond between men and family. “Yes, she was a wonderful woman.”  
  
“We need to get to know each other Tendo!” Mr. Invader said with a laugh, “And I got just the thing! Venusian Wine!”  
  
Ataru pulled himself out of the ground, and his eyes noticed Nabiki and Kasumi. “Well hello there ladies? I do not believe we’ve me-” A giant steel barrel, about as large as Genma, in panda form, landed right on top of him,  
  
“Hahaha! I made sure it would suit human tastes! I know you don't like things spicy!"  
  
"They don't?" Lum asked.

“I love spicy things!” Akane the half human said.  
  
Ranma snorted, “You like hot-sauce that can kill a man.”  
  
“Oh come on, it’s not that hot!” Akane protested.  
  
"Bu qrne jvyy Ataru or BX?" Mrs. Invader poked the twitching arm of Ataru under the giant barrel of alcohol.  
  
"Ur'yy or svar Zbgure." Lum said with a huff. "Vg'f qvivar chavfuzrag sbe gelvat gb uvg ba zl pbhfvaf."  
  
Genma saw the idea of exciting new forms of getting drunk and ran over to pick up the barrel, he lifted it without much strain. He then dropped it on front of the table. “You heard of Shogi Invader?”  
  
“Ohhh that sounds interesting.” Mr. Invader said, “Hope you don’t mind us stopping by.”

* * *

  
Ranma felt a great deal of dread when Kasumi asked Mrs Invader if she could learn Oni cooking from her. The fact that Akane was half alien suddenly made all her terrible cooking make a terrible amount of sense from his point of view. The fact that Mrs. Invader did not seem to speak Japanese was also worrying, how were they going to cooperate if they couldn’t understand each other? Actually for that matter how had Mrs. Invader agreed to help Kasumi in the first place?  
  
“I’ve never seen Oni cooking.” Akane whispered, “I wonder how Auntie does it?” She and Ranma peered over the corner in the kitchen, where the two serene women were both smiling at each other.  
  
“So I’m thinking that we could have stir-fry tonight.” Kasumi said.  
  
"Bu gung fbhaqf jbaqreshy, V'yy trg gur cynfzn phggre." Mrs. Invader said in reply.  
  
“Oh what would we need one of those for?” Kasumi said.  
  
"Lbh'yy frr bapr jr trg fgnegrq Kasumi." She pulled out a remote control from her blouse and at a press of a button what looked like some very high tech looking gun flew out of the hovering spaceship and flew at high speeds into the kitchen.  
  
“Uh, is Kasumi understanding her?” Ranma asked.  
  
“Is Auntie Invader understanding her?” Akane also asked. She had tried to talk to her aunt, but she didn’t speak a lick of Japanese and Lum had to translate.  
  
It was strange. Neither one of them knew the answer to that, and because of that neither of them could look away. Kasumi dropped the rice into the skillet, beginning the process of cooking it.  
  
Then the gun shot a ray of energy at the rice, while Mrs. Invader began throwing in what appeared to be living tentacled **things.**  
  
"Wncnarfr Oni Shfvba fubhyq or sha!" Mrs. Invader said happily. Throwing in what looked like glowing red carrots.  
  
"Oh my, how clever! Those smell rather good.” Kasumi said.  
  
Ranma, meanwhile, felt like someone had stuffed a jalapeno pepper up both his nostrils. Then lit them on fire. His eyes were watering, his throat was begging for water. He looked to his left and saw that Akane was drooling like that one time Ranma walked in on Kuno looking at a picture of the two of them playing on the beach.  
  
Kasumi stirred the rice in the skillet, humming a happy tune as she continued to cook with her aunt. “Could you get the shrimp out of the fridge Auntie?”  
  
"Bs pbhefr, jung qbrf vg ybbx yvxr?" She said opening the fridge.  
  
“Oh right. They’re like small shellfish.” Kasumi said, “Though wait they’ve already been shelled, they’re pink and have tails.”  
  
"Bu gurl'er yvxr gung. V org gurl'q tb terng jvgu Ulcre-Crccre." Mrs. Invader pulled out the shrimp and held up a glass tube of her own.  
  
Kasumi popped it open and smelled it. Ranma also could smell it from where he was watching. “Oh yes this would go perfectly.”  
  
“This is going to be amazing.” Akane whispered.  
  
Ranma made a note to call the both the Cat Cafe and Poison Control. He had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

  
Upstairs, away from the horrors being prepared, Nabiki was giving her cousin a tour of the house. Lum was fun to be around, since she seemed to show such extensive interest in elements a normal human being would find totally mundane.  
  
“So you don’t have A.Is to open doors for you?” Lum poked at Nabiki’s doorknob. “Wow that’s a lot more effort than I’ve ever had to get into my room.”  
  
“That seems a bit wasteful, stuffing a computer into everything.” Nabiki said, opening the door to her room and letting Lum fly in. Fly, just like Akane could now. Nabiki wondered, again, if she should ask Lum for a dose of that electricity to let her also be able to do that. Nabiki wasn’t used to having to sacrifice something for long term gain. She usually had other people sacrifice for her.  
  
“Wow are these optical discs? There was a retro fad about them when I was like five.” Lum picked up one of her music CDs, “They’re a lot prettier then just downloading music off the Galactic Net.”  
  
“They didn’t **exist** when I was five.” Nabiki said, feeling another stab of jealousy. She could have seen so many wonders!  
  
“Really? Wow.” Lum set down the disc, “I mean, that sounds crazy. It’s like having a car you have to drive yourself.”  
  
“That’s how cars work here.” Nabiki said.  
  
“No wonder all the pamphlets say you rough it on Earth.” Lum said.  
  
Oh, but her father had a reckoning coming his way. First, not telling them about Ranma until literally ten minutes before he arrived. Then keeping this wonderous bounty from them! It made Nabiki so angry she could see fire! Actually, unbeknownst to Nabiki, she'd actually caused little bits of flame to burst into existence a little over her shoulders. Fortunately for everyone, they went out before she figured anything out. “Roughing it?” She asked.  
  
“Yeah Earth’s been a real popular vacation spot for a... Couple centuries? Oni, Tengu, Yetis, all sorts of races loved coming down.”  
  
“Wait Bigfoot’s an alien?”  
  
“Oh don’t call them that. It’s considered a racial slur.” Lum said seriously.  
  
Nabiki stared right ahead of herself. It couldn't be. It _couldn't_ be.  
  
"The Loch Ness Monster?"  
  
"Oh, Uncle Nessy! He's a notorious photobomber."  
  
“Chucacapras?”  
  
“They’re big time pranksters.”  
  
"The Roswell UFO sighting?"  
  
“Oh Those are fake.” Lum said, “No aliens look like **that.** Seriously, what possible evolutionary advantage would there be to being a bipedal with elongated skulls and large black eyes?" Lum chuckled. "I dressed up as one of those 'Greys' on one Space-Halloween."  
  
They have a Halloween in space too?! But that holiday originated because there wasn't enough space on the calendar for Christian saints to each have a unique day so they crammed the leftovers onto November 1st resulting in-  
  
Nabiki had a headache. Alien culture seemed weirdly entwined with Earth despite their ignorance of the wider galaxy. She didn’t know how it worked and was beginning to wonder if she wanted to. So she decided to go with that. “Ohh maybe you could take us to a party this fall then?”  
  
“That sounds like a great idea! I bet you’d wear a really hot costume!” Nabiki generally had a good sense of when people were around her. One didn’t live with a bunch of sneaky and stealthy (when they wanted to be) martial artists without getting a good grasp of her surroundings. Yet somehow Lum’s fiance had gone from not being there to his hands on her shoulders and talking about a skimpy Princess Leia costume for Nabiki to wear.  
  
Nabiki turned to look at Ataru, he grinned at her. “Hello there babe! Name’s Ataru, you’re Akane’s sister right?”  
  
“Nabiki Tendo." She said lightly, “And you’re Lum’s fiance right?”  
  
"Now, now, let's not talk about unpleasant things,“ Ataru said, “Let's talk about you! Tell me a bit about yourself.”  
  
Nabiki glanced over at Lum, who was looking ready to shock an idiot. She held up a finger and mouthed ‘Hold on.’ to her cousin. “Well, I’m 17 years old, single, and enjoy music and stuffed animals.” She said. Lum twitched, but Nabiki warded her off. She was in her element, it was time to hunt her prey. Namely, a horny idiot.  
  
“A pretty girl like you without a boyfriend, how is that possible?”  
  
“I’ve been looking for the right person.” Nabiki said without the slightest hint of irony. Lum was no longer mad, instead she was wondering just what the hell Nabiki was trying to do, playing along with Ataru like this.  
  
“Well how about we exchange numbers so that we can keep in touch?" Ataru asked. Normally he also needed a name and place of address, but miracle of miracles he already had both!  
  
Nabiki, in response, put a hand on her forehead, “Oh that just can’t be done. You see, money’s been tight and I don’t have the eight thousand yen to pay my phone bill this month, I don’t have a num-”  
  
Ataru pulled out a wad of bills and put it in her hands, “Will this help?” he said.  
  
Nabiki counted the bills. An even ten thousand. “Oh thank you!” She said giving him a pure and innocent smile that was anything but. “Whatever will I do to repay you for this?”  
  
“Well how about a date this weekend, my treat!”  
  
“Oh that sounds easy enough!” Nabiki pulled out a business card, “Here’s my number Akira!”  
  
“Ataru Moroboshi.” Ataru said, taking the card like a precious treasure.  
  
“Right right, see you this weekend Akihiko!” Nabiki said, before shoving him out of her room and slamming the door shut.  
  
Lum’s jaw was hanging low. “W-what was that?” She asked.  
  
“That was a free lunch.” Nabiki said, “If your boyfriend is that much an unfaithful idiot he doesn’t deserve his spending money.”  
  
Lum blinked, “Aaahhh you’re helping me out by punishing Darling!” She beamed, looking utterly adorable and telling Nabiki that Ataru is a bigger idiot then she previously thought. “Thank you Nabiki, maybe this will do what shocking him doesn’t!”  
  
“Maybe.” Nabiki said, at the very least she’d get some fun and cash out of the dolt.

 


	7. Dinner gets a Glowing Review

Consider for a moment what an average day looks like for someone like Shampoo. Born and raised in the deepest and most mysterious lands in China. The Joketsuzoku Tribe, famed for its thousand year history. Mysterious, powerful, and offered tours for a decent price.  
  
Then consider how she had moved to the very different lifestyle of suburban Tokyo. Seeking out the man who had stolen her heart. All things considered she adapted rather well. The Cat Cafe was popular not just for its top of the line authentic Chinese dishes but also the staff. Never could go a week without some sort of weird antic going on, and the customers were always safe through it!  
  
The chaos of the appearances of aliens had slowed down business, a bit. On the plus side they were going to be saving a lot of money on heating since they sneaked away a fair bit of the oil those crazy alien taxi cabs had dropped down onto the planet (Martial Arts Oil Refining, look it up.)  
  
The lessened business combined with Ranma not even showing up once for nearly a month had left Shampoo actually bored. That hadn't happened for a while! Why, even the sound of that phone ringing was drawing a lot more of her attention than it normally would.  
  
“I’ll get it!” Mousse said, grabbing at the phone. “Hello? Oh, sorry you got the wrong num-”  
  
Boot. Shampoo kicked Mousse into the wall. The blind idiot only ever said it was the wrong number if one person called. “Ranma!” She said happily into the receiver.  
  
“Oh hey Shampoo.” Ranma’s voice came from the other end of the receiver. Ah to hear his voice again! "Code red. I repeat: Code red."  
  
Oh dear. “Aiyaa how bad it?”  
  
“Entire family.” Ranma said, his tone grim. “Akane’s family is is visiting and her aunt seems to have… unique tastes. And I think Akane gets her cooking skill from that side of the family.”  
  
Oh good lord there was another woman as bad as Akane in the kitchen!? It took a lot to make Shampoo weak at the knees, but that certainly did the job.  
  
Still, “What Ranma thinking? Shutting Shampoo out until need Shampoo help. Why Shampoo help Ranma when Ranma never think about Shampoo’s needs?”  
  
“Cause Mr. Tendo’s paying and the Old Ghoul would smack you down if you refused a paying customer.”  
  
Dammit he had a point. Still, she decided he wouldn't be getting the Ranma Discount this time. “Fine fine what Ranma want?”  
  
“Six servings of our usuals.”  
  
Only six? Two for Ranma, two for Genma, one for Nodoka… “Sisters not eating?”  
  
"Uh... No. They seem to kind of like it? I guess?"  
  
Did Kasumi get her taste buds removed!? This seemed like a bigger emergency than she had thought. As someone who loved to cook this seemed like the greatest disaster since that time she was brainwashed by that psycho bird lady! “OK Shampoo bring over food soon, then talk with Ranma about being more attentive to Shampoo’s needs, bye bye!” She hung up the phone. “Great Grandmother! Big order for Ranma! Six usuals!”  
  
Cologne poked her head out of the kitchen. “Oh? Been awhile since Son-in-Law came over. You want some time off to see him? I imagine if he’s ordering for her father at least then Akane must be cooking.”  
  
Shampoo nodded. She needed to remind her dear future husband about who was the best future wife. Some good cooking and some loving while Akane was busy poisoning the family with her aunt was the best time to do it!

* * *

  
  
The smells coming from the kitchen reminded Soun Tendo the first time his beloved wife had cooked a meal for him.  
  
This was not a good thing.  
  
While Oni and humans generally could eat the same things, their tastes diverged. Food that was normal for a human being was often far too bland for an Oni. Fruit and sugar had funny results when eaten by the alien race. (There was a reason Soun made sure plums were never on the shopping list.) On the plus side they had paid for more than one date by his wife making bets on drinking contests and drinking entire bars under the table.  
  
But now Kasumi was being exposed to Oni cuisine, and Soun had a bad feeling about this meal. He glanced over at Genma, who was completely ignorant of what was about to befall them. Genma was to busy drinking and joking with Mr. Invader. He should warn his dear friend. Truly, he should. But... No. he couldn't bring himself to do it. Let him enjoy this blissful ignorance.  
  
"Oh man," Nabiki walked into the room with Lum floating behind her, a bit of drool quickly wiped off her lip. "That smells good. Really good. Why haven't we tried this before?"  
  
Heaven help him. He'd never seen Nabiki drooling like that. Not even that one time they were challenged by a gold themed dojo destroyer.  
  
“It uses some exotic ingredients.” Soun said diplomatically.  
  
"Qrne pbhyq lbh trg zr fbzr Ulcre-Pneebgf? Gurer'f fbzr va gur sevqtr ba gur fuvc." Mrs. Invader’s voice came from the kitchen. "Bu, naq fbzr Hopsberken.”  
  
  
Oh no. Not Hopsberken. Soun remembered being served a dish with that alien vegetable in it. For a week afterwards his clothes would glow in the dark after he'd worn them.  
  
“Right away dear!” Mr. Invader said with a laugh and took off. It was a bit weird seeing such a large man flying so quickly through the air.  
  
“You know, these guys don’t seem that bad.” Genma said.  
  
“I’m home and… oh my what **is** that smell?” Nodoka’s voice rang through the air. Right, poor woman. She wouldn’t know what was coming.  
  
“Oh! Hello there Mrs. Saotome!” Lum flew over to her as she entered the living room. “I’m here with family to visit and Mom’s helping Kasumi cook.”  
  
“Oh I see.” Nodoka put on a sweet smile. “It sure smells uniq-”  
  
“Got the vegetables!” Mr. Invader landed behind Nodoka, who at the sight of the large man holding what looked like giant carrots and some glowing potato/apple hybrids appearing made her jump back. Her arms splayed back in shock. "Oh, hello! You must be Ranma's mother, you look exactly like his female side." He paused, “So you from Andyonima?”  
  
“Pardon?” Nodoka said  
  
"Dear, he's an alien from outer space," Genma explained.

“Oh wait I thought they just came down from Mr. Ooe or somewhere like that to play that tag game” Nodoka said.  
  
“Nope. Aliens.” Genma said. "Flying saucers and all."  
  
“Oh I thought that was a blimp above our house… how interesting!” Nodoka said. Before her pleasant smile returned to her face as she shifted to the more important topic, from her perspective at least.  “So what’s for dinner?"  
  
“Something.” Soun said, trying to keep the pessimism out of his voice.  
  
"Soun, is something the matter?" Nodoka asked. "Are those tears in your eyes?"  
  
"Oh no, it's nothing," Soun sniffed. "It's just... reminding me of my wife." And the damage she had done to his taste buds that first night.

* * *

  
  
“Dinner’s ready!” Kasumi said happily, both her and Mrs. Invader stepping out of the kitchen. A big pot of rice and a pan filled up with with stir fry in their arms.  
  
All the extended family and guests were in the living room as the two chefs came out with dinner. One could look around the enlarged table and see a fairly wide range of reactions;  
  
Mr. Invader, Lum, Akane, and Nabiki all looked excited at the prospect of this meal. A bit of drool could be visible if you looked closely at the two younger sisters.  
  
Genma looked like a hungry panda, which was interesting since he was not in his cursed form presently. Nodoka had her usual pleasant smile on her face, curious about what her daughter-in-law’s aunt had helped make.  
  
Ranma was suspicious. His instincts were warning him that something was going to happen, and was hoping Shampoo showed up discreetly with some halfway decent food.  
  
Ataru was mostly thinking about what pickup line to use on Kasumi.   
  
Soun’s visage was stony, if any bothered to look at him. He had the grim look of a man marching to his doom. He was the only full human in the room who knew what was coming. Yet he could not act. One look at his eldest daughter’s face, so happy to have made a new and exciting meal, and Soun Tendo knew he would cave and eat it. Soun would at any time walk on burning hot coals for her. Like he always did for his daughters. So he resigned himself to his fate, and hoped Shampoo didn’t charge him too much for the Emergency Chinese Ranma had ordered.  
  
“Auntie helped me with her own recipe.” Kasumi said, smiling brightly. It was such a pure and good smile. The smile of an angel.  
  
But we all know that angels do more than just deliver blessings from heaven. No, an Angel can be just as much a harbinger of destruction and terror.   
  
Kasumi and Mrs. Invader gave everyone at the table a nice, hefty serving. The two housewives humming happily with each scoop of rice and bundle of stir-fry.  
  
“Err… is it supposed to be glowing?” Ataru finally noticed something weird. It helped that he was finally not staring at one of the Tendo sisters.  
  
“That’s Hopsberken! It’s from our planet.” Lum said. “Great vegetable, really healthy and tasty.”  
  
_Ah,_ Ataru thought. _So this is the bitter taste of dread._ Ataru may not know a ton about food beyond how to eat it but he was pretty sure that glowing was a bad thing.  
  
“Smells amazing.” Akane said, practically squirming in her chair at how delicious this meal smelled.  
  
"Rng hc rirelobql!" Mrs. Invader said, and this somehow caught on as a que for everybody at the table to use their chopsticks to pick up some stir-fry, lifting it slowly their mouths.  
  
That’s when the a large part of the stone wall in the backyard exploded, and the next thing Soun knew he was under a pair of bicycle wheels.  
  
“Delivery from Cat Cafe!” Shampoo said happily, holding a take-out box as large as her entire body. Said take out box was held effortlessly with one arm over her head. "Shampoo save airen!"  
  
For a moment everything seemed to freeze in place. Everyone was staring at Shampoo, bar Soun who was face first in his stir-fry (Poor man) thanks to a bike induced impact.

Genma was grateful for even more food! He think Mrs. Invader had prepared a big enough Serving for him (that is to day she didn't just give him the entire pot of rice and the pan of stir-fry.)

Nodoka wondered if they had enough food for another guest. Shampoo was so friendly and exciting! 

Nabiki wished she had her camera because something funny was about to happen.

Kasumi just hoped her father liked the food, even if he was eating it like that.

Ranma wondered why he had forgotten to ask Shampoo to be subtle and sneaky about it.  
  
Finally, Akane felt a familiar feeling. Annoyance, anger at her stupid fiance. What was he thinking!? Ordering Chinese when Kasumi had been working so hard!? Was he that much of a glutton!?  
  
Shampoo was about to set down her Deluxe Double Family Order when she noticed that suddenly there was someone sitting on her bike next to her. “Why hello there Miss? You come here often?” Ataru said, grabbing her free hand in his.  
  
Shampoo looked down on it. “Boy let go of Shampoo’s hand before Shampoo break boy.” She said flatly.  
  
“Aww don’t be like that! I’m a guest here!”  
  
“...Airen who this?” Shampoo asked. Was he somebody he would get mad about her breaking every bone in his body?  
  
“I should ask that question!” Akane stood up, “Ranma you knew that Kasumi was making something great and yet you still wanted more!?”  
  
“I don’t, err, I mean…” Ranma started to try and explain.  
  
Kasumi was staring directly at Ranma now. “Is something wrong Ranma? You’ve always enjoyed my cooking before?”   
  
And just like that Ranma felt the heavy weight of guilt weigh upon his soul. Kasumi looking so gently, kindly at him.  “I, er… look it’s just.. It’s weird and… smells… smells…”  
  
“It smells great! It’s bad enough you mock my cooking!” Akane shouted (“Mock too good for Akane cooking” Shampoo quipped.) “But now you’re being a scaredy cat around Kasumi’s!? You’re just in a bad mood because beans got thrown at you aren’t you!” Akane reached over and grabbed Ranma’s plate. She then grabbed Ranma's collar and shoved the entire meal Kasumi had served him into his mouth.  
  
Soun finally got his head out from under Shampoo’s bike. “Err, Miss Shampoo, I have my checkbook-”  
  
“Aiyaa why Mr. Tendo face glowing?” Shampoo said.  
  
“That would be the Hopsberken.” Soun said dryly. “It makes humans glow.”  
  
"Aiyah! Food no should induce bioluminescence! Too too unhealthy!"  
  
Nobody decided to question Shampoo's knowledge of a topic like bioluminescence. It felt like something that would lead them to a rabbit hole which had a deep, deep bottom.  
  
Then there was a bright flash, like a lightbulb had been turned on. Everyone turned to look over to Ranma. He was standing up straight, and his entire body was glowing.   
  
"I don't feel so good?" Ranma said. At which point Shampoo goosed him.  
  
"No, you feel good. Too too good," Shampoo hungrily batted her eyelashes at him. "Tingly actually, feel nice to touch."  
  
"Ah that's also the Hopsberken." Soun said. "Honestly the number of bizarre effects it has on human beings is a bit long to list." At which point his hair turned purple.  
  
Akane growled, electricity sparking around her. “Oh no you don’t!” She flew up into the air and grabbed at Ranma’s other arm.  
  
It took Shampoo a moment to realize that 1) Akane was flying, 2) Shampoo was now being pulled in the air by her via Ranma. “What!?”  
  
“Let go of him!”   
  
“How Akane flying?!” Shampoo looked down and could see the ground below her. But then she decided that there were more important matters than floating tomboys. “And no let go!” She stuck her tongue out at Akane. Much more important.  
  
Ranma didn’t move. Or blink. He was breathing still though.  Oh, and glowing.   
  
Akane took to the air, spinning Ranma around to try and get Shampoo to lose her grip.  
  
Down at the table everybody was looking up. “Do they know each other?” Lum said.  
  
“That’s Shampoo, she’s a friend of Ranma and Akane’s who gets a little too friendly at times.” Nodoka said.  
  
“She wants to marry him.” Nabiki said.  
  
“She does? But he’s engaged to Akane!” Lum said.  
  
Nabiki side eyed her cousin. “So is she.”  
  
Lum looked back up at the amazing flying Akane, Ranma, and Shampoo. “...is polygamy allowed on this planet?”  
  
“Yes!” Ataru jumped into the conversation.   
  
Nabiki shoved a piece of her stir-fry’s hopsberken down Ataru’s throat. He then locked up and began glowing, though less than Ranma. “No it isn’t. It’s complicated.” She continued without missing a beat. She then took a bite of her dinner. “Man this is great!” She said happily.   
  
"Thank you Nabiki." Kasumi beamed at her younger sister.  
  
Akane was less happy. She was growling at the girl latched on to her fiance. Her mouth was showing a hint of fangs while sparks circled around her hair. Shampoo was just so **annoyingly** tenacious and wouldn’t let go no matter how much Akane spun around in the air! Surely she should have gotten dizzy by now, right? And Ranma wasn’t doing anything at all but staying locked in place, the jerk! If only there was a way to get rid of those stupid strong arms holding on to her fiance-  
  
Oh wait.  
  
“Down we go!” Akane shouted, and Shampoo’s eyes widened with the realization as to what was to come. There was a loud splash as Akane dunked the three of them into the Koi pond.  
  
“Why did Akane do that?” Mr. Invader said.  
  
That’s when the water flew up into the air. **”CAAAATTTTT!!!!”** A female Ranma with a purple cat clinging to her arm ran out of the pond and in circles around the back yard. She was still glowing, though it was more pink now.  
  
“Damn it!” Akane shouted, “You were supposed to let go Shampoo!”`  
  
"Jnvg pna uhzna'f orpbzr fhpu gval yvggyr navznyf?" Mrs. Invader asked.  
  
“No that’s just Shampoo, she has something like Ranma. Becomes a cute little kitty with cold water!” Kasumi explained, once again somehow understanding Mrs. Invader.  
  
“So human’s just turn into random things with water?” Mr. Invader said.  
  
“Not most humans, but some.” Nabiki answered, “Though, would a Jusenkyo curse effect an alien?”  
  
"Question! Does this Jusenkyo curse thing spontaneously generate clothing?" Ataru seemed to have recovered faster than Ranma had. He raised up a glowing hand, the other holding a kettle.  
  
**“Bad kitty bad kitt-“** Ranma ran past, and with unnatural precision Ataru poured the hot water over the cat. And suddenly Ranma was running with a naked Shampoo on him.

“Awesome!” Ataru openly ogled the sight, before getting zapped by Lum.

“Ah Airen so forward! Getting Shampoo naked in front of everybody!”  
  
**”Ranma get her off you now!”** Akane growled, one could hear the storm clouds gathering.  
  
_”This wasn’t my idea!”_  
  
“I think he should have just ordered Okonomiyaki.” Soun muttered.

 


End file.
